Two Dogs Blogging

Of Course You Hurt, Honey. Why Do You Think They Call it "Heart Broken"?

2011-11-24T10:33:00.009-07:00

Funny that on Thanksgiving as I fill the lull between cleaning, organizing and putting the turkey in the oven, I am reflecting on red flags in relationships.

Relationships have not been my strong suit in recovery. I was married at two years clean to a man I truly loved, but he was and still is not able to stay clean. At five years clean, despite the pain and uncertainty, I divorced him to move on in my life and to try to fulfill my needs for intimacy. I talked to him last week, and sadly, he is homeless in Austin, a good place to be if you're homeless, and his life is pretty unmanageable, at least by my standards.

At about ten years clean, I fell in love again with a non-program man. That relationship lasted four years, but ultimately failed when he fell for another (and much younger I might add) woman. I was devastated, particularly because we lived in a small town and felt everyone (except me) knew that she was pregnant and what was happening. (Our own minds manufacture much of the drama, of course.) However, the signs were there for a few years and I ignored them or left and returned, thinking "It will get better." It never did. Now I am grateful for him in my life, for I found my wonderful dog Romy, who entertained me and many of you readers with her refrigerator-raiding antics over the years. I also found that I loved the area where he lived and ultimately bought a house there, where I hope to retire some day soon.

Anyhow, about relationships. Here are some red flags I've seen and often ignored over the years.

Verbal abuse. What is verbal abuse? It is hard to define, but we often know it when we hear it. Statements like, "You didn't get a good education," or "You are too fat," or "You are not as smart as you think," can all be defined as verbally abusive. Unfortunately, I was clean a long, long before while I finally understood that he verbally abused me. I only know I felt small, not smart enough, fat and confused a lot of the time

Relationships with extreme "highs" and "lows." Relationships characterized by extreme "feeling greats" then followed by feeling "totally down in the dumps" are often abusive or harmful to us. What we strive for in recovery if we allow ourselves to take direction is a lack of drama and emotional stability. My favorite episode of The Simpsons had Lisa sitting in Santa's lap. When he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she answered, "Some stability in my life and an absence of mood swings!" I so related it made me wonder what was wrong in my life. A relationship that swings from "I'm on top of the world" to "I can't believe how miserable I am" is often toxic.

A lack of common financial goals and differing money-handling abilities. The last person I dated was retired and received a pension. When I think "retired," I think "financially stable." Only after we had dated for awhile did I realize that he wasn't retired, he was underemployed. He had quit his last job and taken early retirement because he hated his boss, and was still fuming about that. He took odd jobs when he could find them, but basically this meant if we were going to be in a relationship, I would have to bear the burden of partially supporting him. I couldn't afford to and found that I was too far in to exit gracefully. I saw him last week at a clean-time party and he left the party rather than speak to me. While few of us discussed how to handle money in our family of origins, hopefully in recovery we learn the skills of discussing money and budgeting.

Someone who lacks friends and family support. When I first started dating my mid-recovery relationship, I noticed he had no friends. He was a dog trainer and knew tons of people in the town where I lived; however, he had only one friend who lived in another state. I later learned why. It was because no one could live up to his expectations and he ultimately either destroyed or judged away each potential friendship. Of course, since this was his pattern, I couldn't live up to his high expectations, either. That was a huge red flag I chose to ignore. I thought my friends would become his friends, but that never worked. He found them defective, as well. In fact, the woman who worked for me one day said when he sashayed into my office to drop off a dog to babysit for the day, "I don't know about him." I chose not to listen and it took another year or so to really understand the depths of his narcissism. It's important that we look for people with a support system around them so that we don't become overly burdened by their emotional needs.

People we "can change." I know I'm not the only one who has been attracted to someone who has "PR" as we say in the program, either for sexual promiscuity, gambling compulsions or other issues that scream, "Unmanageability." When I sponsor women who are at the peak of their sexuality, craving love and affection, and watch them gravitate toward the NA "Casanovas," I often have to hold my voice--restraint of tongue. I can only gently caution them to watch the men's behavior in the rooms and outside the rooms. If they are breaking hearts as they march through recovery, I ask my gals: "Do you want to be in that lineup? What makes you any different?" I have seen far too many people use over broken hearts to ignore the fact that the old timers told us, "Under every skirt's a slip" (or under every pair of boxers) for a reason.

I think what I'm trying to say if you are thinking about romance in the rooms, go slowly. Who we fall in love with is often smoke and mirrors. We are always, me included, on our best behavior as we get to know a potential romantic partner. There is no magic number that outlines how long we should get to know someone before we decide to become intimate. The longer the better, though. One thing I am so grateful for in early recovery is that I knew that I didn't want to walk into a meeting and think, "I've slept with him and him and him." Believe me, I saw many women fall into that trap and many of them disappeared. They slept themselves out of recovery.

I hope your Thanksgiving (if you're in America) is wonderful. To my friends across the globe, Namaste. Feel free to add your own red flags.

What I've Learned in 26 Years

2011-11-11T23:04:00.004-07:00

Next month will be my 27th anniversary in Narcotics Anonymous. It amazes me that I have managed to stay clean all these years. For someone who drank and used the way I did, to stay clean for almost three decades is a miracle and one I thank God for on a daily basis.

On my anniversary I will speak my home group, Hip, Slick & Kool. I will give a brief drug-a-log, because newcomers need to hear you used the way they did—the heroin, methadone maintenance, cocaine, liberal doses of PCP—and I will share about some of the key things I have learned in my 27 years clean. Here they are.

The people you love may not always love you. Or, the way they can love you may not be the way you need to be loved. As painful as that was, once I faced the truth, turning it over and moving on has been my only answer. It takes time and courage, but admitting that I needed more and detaching with love has been the only solution that has worked for me.

Everyone is struggling with something. You may see people who you think “have it together.” Trust me, everyone, no matter how long they have been clean or how spiritual they appear, struggles with something. It may be food, it may be gambling, it may be an inability to be intimate, it may be how they handle money—but it is something. We each are gifted with our own personal struggles we wrestle throughout our lives.

My family often lets me down, but people in the Fellowship rarely do. I continue to be disappointed in my family members. I continue to invite them into my life; they continue to refuse. People in the Fellowship are happy to accept almost any invitation I extend. My friends in the Fellowship have become my family. I can call on them at any time and they will drop everything if I need help. They are always at the top of my gratitude list.

My God is always bigger. I have walked through very difficult circumstances in recovery. The death of both parents; a painful divorce (which is almost an oxymoron); very public humiliations; an almost fatal illness and subsequent organ transplant; the death of animals I have loved more than most people, to name a few. In all these instances, and when I thought I could not go on either emotionally or physically, my God has always been bigger than the problem at hand.

There were many times when I wasn’t sure I could stay clean. Whenever I ask myself: “Why am I bothering to stay clean, to suit up and show up?”—when I am at my wit’s end, considering that first drink which will lead me back to my drug of choice—that is when God inevitably sends me an Eskimo. It may be that newcomer I reluctantly agreed to sponsor, calling with some drama of her own. It may be my sponsor showing up at the door. It may be my phone ringing unexpectedly, the caller ID announcing a close friend. It may be a simple post from a Facebook friend that suddenly slips into that hole in my gut and clicks into place. These Eskimos tell me that, one day at a time, nothing is so bad that I can’t face it and that I never have to face it alone. There have been many, many Eskimos in my recovery. You may be my next one.

You really can’t take it with you when you die. When my doctor told me I had only a few months to live, I had a lot of time to think. I looked around my house at all the “stuff” I owned. I realized that at best, these possessions were just things that someone would have to dispose of or donate when I died. None of the physical things I owned mattered one iota in the end. What matters is how I live my life and how I treat others.

When shit hits the fan, and it will hit the fan, put on the blues and lean into the pain. There is no way around the pain—no shortcut, no detour, no avoidance. Just walk toward the pain to get past it. It will not kill you. It will feel like it will kill you, but I and others who have chosen to stay clean for years and years have learned that pain is not fatal. Beyond the pain there is new freedom. You will come out stronger on the other side.

What really matters is friendship. To have friends, you have to be a friend. Whenever I have problems in my recovery, my NA friends are there for me unconditionally. That is because I am a friend to them. NA taught me how to be a friend.

These are just a few of my thoughts about my years in the Fellowship. My dearest friend in NA, the love of my life I will never marry, sent me a card last year for my clean date. I think his words sum it up much better than I can.

“That you arrived was an act of Providence. That you stayed is a daily miracle. That you endure displays your courage. What you have accomplished makes you an inspiration.”

Those words can be said about almost anyone who stays clean in NA. We didn’t get here by accident and we don’t stay clean by accident, either. I thank God daily for the Grace that brought me to these rooms.

Carpe Diem

2011-09-21T21:15:00.011-07:00

Peggy's husband died last week at the Veteran’s Hospital. A Vietnam combat veteran, he passed away surrounded by a loving group of friends, held by his wife as doctors removed life support. Last Friday we filled the Congregational church; family and friends. Bob, a serious man I know only slightly, ministered at the podium. He is a mail-in reverend who owns a Jack Russell Terrier named Walter, famous for his terrible terrier antics. Peggy stood at the front of the room, receiving hugs and condolences.

Many of us see each other only occasionally, so the chatter took minutes to subside while we said our hellos and exchanged hugs. People in recovery are huggers, oblivious to how nervous it makes non-program people. When finally we quieted, Bob offered a poignant portrait of Bill, who died from throat cancer after a lifetime of smoking and occasional relapses on crack. Bob told anecdotes about Bill; about the time he was selected from the audience at the Renaissance Festival and pulled to the stage to “be king.” He made his wife come up to the stage and kneel before him. “That didn’t happen at home,” Peggy said. We all laughed. We know Peggy and we knew she wasn’t kidding. She definitely was the king of her household. Bill bowed to her wishes. Hers and crack’s.

As pictures of Bill, an accomplished photographer who was usually behind the camera, flashed on a screen, attendees shared their recollections about him. The memorial service lasted 45 minutes, perfect for a group of recovering addicts. Many of us still have a hard time sitting still. It was such a beautiful service that I approached Bob afterwards and only half-jokingly said, “I want to reserve you for my memorial service.”

That night many of us wrote about the beautiful ceremony on Facebook. “I booked Bob for my own memorial service,” I posted. Then I went to sleep.
My phone rang at 6 on Saturday morning. “Hello,” I said groggily. “Nancy, are you sick?” It was my sax-player friend Rayna in Central Missouri time, where I lived until I returned to Arizona in 2008. “No,” I said. “Why?” The fact that I had a liver transplant six years ago rarely occurs to me; but to my friends who watched me nearly die several times both before and after the transplant, that detail remains firmly fixed in their minds.

“I just read your Facebook post about your memorial,” she said. I started laughing. “No, I’m fine,” I said. “Thanks for asking.” I hung up and went back to sleep.

After I got up, I drank my coffee and updated my status on Facebook. “The reports of my death are highly overrated,” I posted. But are they? Are anyone’s? Did anyone who went to work at the World Trade Center on that warm day in September of 2001 expect to die? Does my brother, who is in the agony of three months on a feeding tube after esophageal cancer surgery, what is left of his stomach the size of a fist? Each time he eats he vomits into a kidney-shaped plastic bowl. Does my middle brother, raging in his alcoholism and denial, expect to die soon?

I think of myself as 25 or 30. It surprises me when young people treat me as “old” or talk around me as if I am not there. I was in the carwash a few months ago and a young cashier admired my copper jewelry, commenting on this piece and that piece. “You’re like a really hip grandmother,” she summed up enthusiastically. For a moment, I wondered who she was talking to. I went back to work in a huff, telling my older coworker what she said. I felt only slight better when my coworker laughed and said, “Don’t feel bad, dear; that’s why she will always work in a carwash.”

I am 55; solidly middle aged. I don’t feel it. I feel 30; that I still have a full life still ahead. None of us know when our hearse will arrive. As I waited near death for the liver transplant, not sure if I would be put on the transplant list, I was forced to accept that I might die. I spoke often to the God of my understanding, telling him how powerless I felt and how sure I was that I still had things to finish. “Of course it’s your choice, God,” I would say humbly. But I wasn’t humble. I wanted to live so desperately! I wanted to sit in my armchair in the middle of my five cedar-lined acres in Missouri and watch the squirrels fight the blue jays for possession of the feeders. “Carpe diem, squirrels,” I would say, laughing as they climbed up the most ingeniously designed anti-squirrel feeders. I wanted to live long enough to write a book. I wanted to see the newcomer women I sponsored stay clean and celebrate their victories—getting their driver’s licenses reinstated, buying a car, getting married, having children.

We don’t know which day we will die. As I have aged, I live each day with that fatal understanding that I am granted a tiny, daily reprieve. As my friends and family get sick and die around me, those days I contemplate dying. Most days, I live a life full of joy and occasional wonder. For each day, I am grateful.

A full life

2011-04-22T07:18:00.006-07:00

Help me welcome the new addition, Sabra.

There is not much to report as the heat begins to settle in for the summer in Arizona. I am busy writing, working, and riding my new scooter. What a blast.

One of the things I struggle with daily is to remain present. Riding this scooter, which gets 70 miles to the gallon, incidentally, I have to remain totally present. Much like living my life, I have to ensure I'm not in anyone's blind spot, that I keep my eye on the goal (the road ahead), and that most people at stop lights are friendly and curious and often want to say, "Hey."

I know I often take things personally. When people are rude to me, when they ignore me, when I don't get invited to a function, I often feel like I'm riding through life in other people's "blind spots." The reality is, most people don't wake up in the morning and say, "Gee, I think I'll hurt 2 Dogs' feelings today." When people step on my toes or ignore me, it's generally because I'm in their blind spot.

I struggle each day to remain present. I am struggling with eating mindlessly. I find when I must suit up and show up at work, I can barely sit at my desk for long. Instead, I get up and wander the office aimlessly searching for something to "graze" on. I am learning that I must sit with those feelings of boredom and frustration to avoid overeating. It is one of my lifelong challenges.

When you ride a cycle, if you look at something to the left or right too long, your bike goes in that direction. I've learned this firsthand. When I ride, as much as I may be tempted to lollygag along and look all around me, I have to keep my eye on the goal--the road directly ahead. This doesn't mean I can't look around when I'm stopped, but when I'm moving, I must focus directly in front of me and immediately around me. I find this is also true in life. I keep my eyes on my goals and try to focus on where I need to be, not necessarily where I think I should be, or where I could go if this happened or that happened.

One of the first things I learned as I road is that often, people talk to me at stop lights. It might be a carload of young vatos like last Saturday, or it might be someone just saying, "Hey." People long for connection. Many people have no one. We are so fortunate that we have the rooms where we connect.

There is much to learn in life. As I continue to attend meetings, work the steps (this time in a step group with a bunch of awesome women), and stay clean for the long haul, my life becomes richer each day. I have stretches of joy that make me grateful I am still alive and moving forward.

Have a great day.

Great fun in recovery

2011-01-10T11:08:00.002-07:00

Yesterday a friend who came to the rooms when he was a teenager celebrated 25 years clean. I hosted his birthday party at my house and we had a blast. I cooked a main dish and a few side dishes and others brought things. For hours, we reminisced, roasted my friend, Chris, and talked program. It made me very grateful for the rooms of NA in Phoenix, where I got clean and live today.

I have had some health issues the past month, a tooth problem with subsequent infection that kicked my butt, and now a cold. It is critical that I remember when I am sick, any medication I take can impact how I feel not just physicially, but mentally.

When my tooth became badly infected (can you spell "procrastination?), the doctor prescribed pain pills. If I have to take pain medication in recovery, I make sure a trusted friend in the Fellowship is aware of what I'm taking and I'm accountable to that person. In this case, after a few days while I waited for my appointment, I became very depressed, feeling almost suicidal. One night I was lying in bed feeeling overwhelmed and it suddenly hit me: "Oh, pain medication. Depressant! Duh!"

I have been through major illness in my recovery, including a liver transplant five years ago. I understand how much pain we can withstand without pain medication, because once they stopped my morphine a few days post ICU, they never prescribed anything stronger for pain than a huge aspirin thingie, which gave me a huge resentment. The pain was intense. But guess what? I did not get loaded.

Over the years, I have seen many of my fellow Program members relapse, and some die, on pain medication. We must be ever vigilant if we must take pain meds. However, we do not have to suffer because we are addicts.

Additionally, just because you tell your doc or dentist you are an "addict," YOU must take responsibility for the pain meds you accept from prescribers and those you take once you fill the script. The initials "MD" or "DDS" after a name imply little training on addiction. So buddies, it is up to us to remain vigilant against relapse.

I shall exit my soapbox and tell you I am glad to be back openly blogging. The professional issues I had earlier forced me to close my blog, and it is now back and steaming along. I may not post too frequently since I am very busy living a full and rewarding life.

If no one told you today they love you, I do.

There are many nice people outside the rooms

2010-11-19T15:19:00.005-07:00

Last night I went to a fundraiser for a college I attended. It was so nice being with such amazing positive people who talked, for more than two hours, about the importance of education, how important it is to give back and how setting goals and getting a "hand up" changed their lives.

When the event was over (and I got all dolled up as the theme was vintage, wearing my mom's old mink stole), I went to a late night meeting where the topic was the Tenth Step.

You know what I struggle with the most, it seems? Being consistently nice. There are times when I get so frustrated by life on life's terms--bounced checks, people who don't act "right," always having a bit less money than I would like--that I can get pretty difficult and sometimes, downright hateful. That is what I struggle with today.

This weekend I'm doing a weekend intensive thing, sort of EST-like, I guess, for those of you old enough to remember EST. It's mostly program people and I'm hoping for some breakthrough, because I feel stuck.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Until then, as my sponsor used to say, "God is the answer, now what was your question?"

I'm back!

2010-10-27T21:44:00.003-07:00

The reason I shut the blog down a year or so ago is no longer relevant so I am able to "come back out." I missed blogging and missed talking with you all, even if it was only in cyberspace (except Meg, whom I actually met).

My life is incredibly busy and fulfilling. I am crazier than an outhouse rat currently, perhaps because I'm coming up on an anniversary and am on Step 3. I want to get my 4th done by my birthday in December.

I hope you are all doing well. I haven't much profound to say except that the longer I stay clean, the more I realize I have a lot to be humble for.

My Romy is gone

2010-10-22T09:22:00.002-07:00

I haven't posted in awhile. There is so much happening in my life, but the most difficult is that my beloved Romy went to be with Dallas and my parents. It has been several months and I still can't stop crying when I think of her.

She didn't suffer hardly at all. She was playing with Oz when her front leg broke, probably from bone cancer. She was brave right until the end. On three legs, she marched up the ramp into the truck.

It made me realize how she was the center of my life. There just wasn't much room for anything else.

Oz is doing well, although I think he misses her. He is even more affectionate now.

I hope you are all doing well. I'm hoping soon I can make the blog public again, but for now, I'll keep it private and hope you still check back from time to time.

Hugs and happiness.

Another few tragedies among winners

2010-03-31T20:09:00.002-07:00

A gal I sponsored in Missouri woke up next to her husband, who was dead. He was 37. She is staying clean and walking through the pain. The day after he died, a young couple with about two years clean who called to tell me about her tragedy woke up to find their 17 year-old son dead in bed from an overdose. They are staying clean.

When I was coming back to Arizona to try to get my liver transplant, I met with my young sponsee before I left and told her that when "it gets hard, and it will get hard," she will have to walk through it. It has gotten hard for her and despite her initial response, which was to say "Screw this," she stayed clean and buried her husband and did the right thing to be there for her children. They need her.

Life is hard. We go through so many adversities. To those of us who, for so many years, chose to use rather than face life on life's terms, walking through the difficult times isn't easy.

There is no way around the pain; the only way around it is through it. I hope, no matter what life throws at me, I can continue, one day at a time, to stay clean and be present for both life's disasters and the joy.

2010-02-20T09:51:00.003-07:00

It's raining hard in Arizona and I am glad. The way I feel matches the weather. I am tired of people throwing away the gift of recovery. Here is a shakedown of the past week.

Next week we will no doubt memorialize a man who threw away almost 18 years, a family who loved him, a wife who probably cannot support herself, a business, and the love of his friends in the Fellowship in search of a bag of heroin. He found it. He went on a one-man crime spree robbing banks and ended up in what can only be called a "suicide by cop."

There is my dear friend who has been around as long as me and has been in and out for years, always using her "mental illness" as the excuse to use. I don't judge her, but she breaks my heart and the hearts of those who love her. She is the funniest person I know. She called me the other day and left this message. "I'm done with NA; there's just nothing left for me." So I called her back and told her about our friend in the first example and said, "Yes, there is something left for you." Our literature tells us in every meeting only too clearly: "Jails, institutions and death." That is the grim, grim reality.

Then yesterday, my ex-husband calls straight out of an overdose and loaded. It's everyone's fault, as usual: his loveless marriage, women who hit on him because he's such a babe after 40 years of drug use, his hard work. Whatever the excuse, he always has one. What can I tell him that I haven't told him before?

This disease is breaking my heart. But it isn't exactly the disease, it's the casual discard of the lifeline by people who should know better that hurts so much.

I am tired of burying people; of losing people through their own cavalier, "I don't give a fuck, I'll show them" attitude.

Today we will go celebrate a woman's 25th birthday and I will be surrounded by the NA winners. Those who have gone through difficulties in their lives yet chosen to stay clean one day at a time. And it will feel healing.

My thoughts on a quarter of a century

2009-12-14T22:06:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my 25^th anniversary in Narcotics Anonymous. It amazes me that I have managed to stay clean for a quarter of a century. I remember turning 25 at a drunken party where I felt good the next day because I had managed to control my drinking enough not to black out. But to stay clean for 25 years, that is a miracle and one which I thank God for on a daily basis

I shared on my birthday at a meeting at St. Luke’s, the treatment center I went through about 27 years ago. I gave a brief drug-a-log, because newcomers need to hear you used the way they did, and then decided I would share on some key things I have learned in my 25 years clean. Here they are.

The people you love may not always love you. Or, the way they can love you may not be the way you need to be loved. As painful as that is, turning it over and moving on is the best way. It takes time and courage, but admitting that you need more and moving on is the only solution that has worked for me.

Everyone is struggling with something. You may see people who you think “have it together.” Trust me, everyone, no matter how long they have been clean or how spiritual they are, struggles with something

My family often lets me down, but people in the Fellowship almost never do. I continue to be disappointed with family members. I continue to invite them into my life. They continue to refuse. People in the Fellowship are happy to accept almost any invitation I give. My friends in the Fellowship have become my family.

My God is always bigger. I have walked through very difficult things in recovery. The death of both parents, a painful divorce (which is almost an oxymoron), very public humiliations, an almost fatal illness and subsequent organ transplant, the death of animals I have loved more than most people, to name a few. In all these instances, and when I thought I could not go on either emotionally or physically, my God has always been bigger than the problem at hand.

When it hits the fan, and it will hit the fan, put on the blues and lean into the pain. There is no way around the pain, no shortcut, no detour, no avoidance. Just walk toward the pain to get past it. It will not kill you. It will feel like it will kill you, but it will not, I have learned. Beyond the pain there is a new freedom.

You can’t take it with you when you die. When a doctor told me I had no more than four months to live, I spent a lot of time thinking. I looked around my house at all the “stuff” I owned. I realized that at best, they were just things that someone would have to dispose of or donate when I died. None of the physical things I owned mattered one iota in the end

What really matters is friendship. To have friends, you have to be a friend. Whenever I have problems in my recovery, my NA friends are there for me unconditionally. That is because I am a friend to them. NA taught me how to be a friend.

These are just a few of my thoughts of my years in the Fellowship. A friend sent me a card and I think his words summed it up much better than I can.

“That you arrived was an act of Providence. That you stayed is a daily miracle. That you endure displays your courage. What you have accomplished makes you an inspiration.”

Why I Say "I Love You"

2009-11-14T14:52:00.001-07:00

Recently my friends stayed the night, on their way to California for vacation. My friend is from the Czech Republic and is very emotional, to put it mildly. It all started with a simple game of Scrabble. Because I haven’t played in years and his girlfriend was very experienced, she and I decided we would just start playing and I would refresh myself on the rules as we went along, and we would teach him as we went. Boy, was that the wrong decision.

The lack of a dictionary was another major impediment. The first word he tried to spell was “eco.” We both said that was a prefix and he couldn’t use it. He argued quite loudly that it was most certainly not a prefix, after asking, “What is a prefix?” The second round went no smoother, and he took his tiles and dumped them, and quit.

While she and I played on, he continued to watch and read the rules and correct us loudly at about every move. She beat me soundly, by twice as many points. I am a type A and if I can make a two-letter word and move the game forward, that is my strategy, which, of course, is a strategy only for a sound arse-kicking.

We bedded out finally about midnight and went to sleep, their two German shepherds asleep with them in the great room, mine locked in my bedroom with me, since Oz was being a bit snotty to their male, Bernarde.

This morning the dogs barked when they got up. I think Romy forgot we had overnight guests. They went for a walk and I slept in. When I finally got up a few hours later, they were at the kitchen table playing, you guessed it, Scrabble! There was less argument because she was allowing him to do some phonetic spelling: “genre” was spelled “janre.” Really, that’s how it is pronounced!

As we ate oatmeal with brown sugar (his with three egg whites and one cooked yolk on top), I helped him lose his first game. As they were getting ready to leave, he noticed a wall plate I have, where the entire world, instead of continents, is renamed things like “the Ocean of Love,” “Sea of Deceit,” “River of Revenge,” and “Peninsula of Procrastination.”

“That is where I live,” he said, pointing to Procrastination.

“I would, but I never get around to it,” I responded. We all laughed.

They packed up the car and the dogs and drove off to California, first routing their trip for me on their atlas. A few minutes later, my phone rang. “We left the peaches,” he said. “They don’t look good, but they are delicious.”

“I’ll eat them,” I told him. And I said two more things.

“Be careful,” and “I love you,” because I never want to let friends leave anymore without that reminder. The world is an unpredictable place, and I want them to know how I feel, just in case. In that matter, I no longer procrastinate.

Updates

2009-07-19T07:56:00.003-07:00

I cannot believe it's been two months since I posted. I have been heading up north to get out of the heat, although this weekend I stayed in town and am roasting. I forget every winter how hot the summers here actually are.

My friend is awaiting a liver transplant and I have been trying to help him get out of the house whenever possible, so last night we went to the speaker meeting and dance and later with another friend went to eat. The speaker got clean with me about the same time and her best friend, who died of brain cancer, was a good friend of mine, as well, so we have a lot in common. Also, we shared a sponsor for many years, although we have both moved on to new sponsors.

She was a crystal meth addict and pointed out that when she came into the program, NA was mostly junkies, which included me. Today I find when I share my story that unless old timers are in the audience, I am not sure that people can relate much to my using. So I try, unless it's a speaker meeting, to focus on recovery and the desperation of my feelings when I got here.

I am sharing the Sunday morning meeting at a big camp out in Colorado later this summer. I have to laugh, since the Sunday speaker is generally the "spiritual" speaker. I think maybe they have the wrong person (?). As I have blogged before, I still struggle with anger so much that I find it hard to call myself a spiritual person. But I keep chugging away.

Last week I started therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder, something I probably should have done years ago. A few months ago someone came to my house in the middle of the night and started ringing the doorbell then kicking the door. I called the cops and a helicopter was here in about three minutes then the police in about ten, but in the interim, even with 2dogs going crazy and me in the hall with a handgun, I was terrified.

For several days I was in "reactive" mode and was so devastated I finally figured out perhaps it is time to deal with the wreckage of my using. One of the original pains of my early using has been coming around lately to haunt. It's the image of the man I loved from 15 until my mid twenties who was twenty years older than me and willing to put me on front street to run his drug dealer business. What kind of men do these kinds of things?

Of course, once I made the decision I talked to my sponsor and immediately began berating myself for "waiting 24 years to do this." She calmly pointed out that to do anything at all at anytime in regards this was "brave" and to not beat myself up. That is the value of sponsorship. Sponsors help us see what we cannot see, often right in front of our faces. While I would have told a sponsling of mine the same thing, I couldn't remember to tell myself what she told me. Thank God for sponsorship.

I have also started a blog that will cover the social justice aspect of prostitution and the unsung victims who are either dead or trying to leave the life. I have been putting some energy into that and I am please with my efforts to far; however, more remains to be done and it is time consuming.

I did one other brave thing, or perhaps it was done to me. I am not going to write many of the insurance columns I've been writing and instead will focus on writing and keeping my copyright. It may mean money is funny for awhile, but I am tired of that rat race and dealing with corporations that are too slimy to be believed.

It is pretty simple today to self publish and this is the route I think I am going to pursue.

Until I blog again, I hope you have a great day. Hopefully at some point I can go public with this blog again, but not now.

2009-05-03T08:30:00.003-07:00

Last night I drove up to north with a friend to my sponsor's to her husband's 25th birthday. She is a pet lover, and as I was walking around in her house, this CAT came out of the laundry room. What do you think? I couldn't resist adding her to one of my favorite sites, www.icanhazcheezburger.com.

The party was fun and it was good to see many of my friends I haven't seen in months since I've been so busy with school. Ciao for now.

Funny events

2009-04-26T10:56:00.003-07:00

I was looking at a yahoo profile, okay, I admit it, sometimes I cruise the yahoo personals, and saw an icebreaker question that someone put on his profile. He asked people to, "Describe the funniest thing that has ever happened to you." That is such a loaded question, because some of the funniest things that have ever happened to me include things that others would see as a tragedy. Isn't it wonderful that we can go into the rooms on any given day and share a story that, at the time was traumatic or even horrifyingly stupid, and look back on it with humor?

I really cannot pick one event that is the funniest event in my life. It may be the time I encouraged my at-the-time boyfriend to burgle a Photomat booth with a large rock. Here is my hit on it--if he was stupid enough to listen to me, of all people, he deserved the broken ribs he got when the rock he heaved bounced off the safety glass and hit him in the chest.

Or perhaps it is one of my favorite former blog entries about the time my friend Roy o.d.'ed in a Mexican bathroom and I dragged him out by his boots and loaded him into the car to drive him back to Phoenix; then, after almost dying, insisted before we got to Green Valley that I stop the car so he could use again. Now that, folks, is funny.

I was at lunch with three females coworkers and for some reason I was in the mood to share about my teen years. They don't know I'm in recovery, but I am pretty open that I don't drink but used to in my "younger, wilder" days. I shared about why I left home at 15, how I moved to this house in Berkeley typical in the early 70s with one lesbian, a married couple one of which was a self-described warlock, one college student, the lesbian's lover (they often got drunk and smacked each other around), and me, who watched it all with 15-year old wide eyed wonder.

Anyhoo, I wrote a letter to my mother at that point in my life and told her the house we shared had so many roaches, they'd furnished us each with a roach clip. Now my poor mother didn't know a roach clip from a hash pipe, but someone eventually told her. My coworkers had a good laugh and that was the end of our lunch.

There are times I feel I live a double life still: I can't really talk much about my past among the people I spent most of my time with at work and in various professional organizations I belong to, and in fact, am afraid of having to explain certain details. I spent time with my sponsor yesterday going over that very issue. There are a few things I still need to have closure on and am working on that today.

But the funniest event in my life? Maybe it was my birth, because except for the years of my addiction, I've been laughing the whole time.

Until I blog again, may you be surrounded by light and love. I know I am.

NYC

2009-04-19T09:55:00.003-07:00

I am in NYC in midtown Manhattan sitting in a hotel room instead of trucking about looking up and down and all around. I just ran the list of local meetings, so will shower up and head out any moment.
Two puppies remain, two wonderful sables and the litter picks according to Pat, who is the mom's owner and has forgotten more about dogs than I'll ever know. One shipped to Missouri yesterday. She is the black and tan cutie.

On May 7th I should receive my masters, but I don't think I'm actually going back to do the graduation ceremony. Not sure why except money and I'm tired of traveling. I got on the flight yesterday from Phoenix to Denver. No sooner had they shut the doors when the pilot came on and said we had a one-hour delay before we even would know when we would fly. I had the beginnings of an almost immediate panic attack, wishing desperately I could take Ativan before a flight. Things worked out because he agreed to let us off the plane if we insisted, but a few minutes later they cleared us. I hate being so powerless and still have a good bit of claustrophobia from the transplant post-issues, I think.

Well, it is 1 p.m in New York and I am going to get dressed and get out of the motel room and go exploring. I'll let you know how the deposition goes. I hate lawyers. I love the food in NY.

I also went to see West Side Story, which was wonderful.

Take care.

Leonard Cohen concert

2009-04-07T22:13:00.001-07:00

Barbara and I went to see Leonard Cohen on the kick-off of his tour a few nights ago. It was the most amazing concert I have ever been to. I've never heard such a quiet audience; they just wanted to hear every word he sang.

He did almost every song in his amazing repertoire that is better know. I can't think of anything I wanted to hear he didn't play, and he played for about three hours. Barb and I were in tears during a few songs; it was so amazing.

Well, one more week of grad school and I am done, done, done. Wish me luck. One presentation left to do.

I do miss being public, but oh well.

I'm too sexy for my paws!

2009-04-07T22:08:00.005-07:00

Back from Missouri

2009-03-28T21:36:00.001-07:00

I flew back to Missouri this week to take my comps for my masters. I am exhausted. I'll post more puppy pics tomorrow.

They're here!

2009-03-23T15:11:00.005-07:00

Black and Tan Female

Mom, Noriz

Sable Male

Compassion

2009-03-20T08:50:00.005-07:00

Oz's dad, Bastin, taking a bite. Isn't he awesome?

<.>

Well, the puppies are five weeks old but no pics yet. There was a scorpion invasion so they had to be moved up north for a few weeks. Pics will be posted Monday for sure. Check back. They are awesome pups and the pics will be wonderful, I know. Ms. Babawa is taking them, so look for them.

I have been having a lot of anger lately, not sure why exactly. It is something I have struggled with my entire life. As I mentioned before, I believed that once I got that lovely little girl's liver and faced death, this would somehow change how I perceived and reacted to the world. Well it did--for awhile!

I also know that what was a survival technique when I used -- anger -- becomes a glaring defect of character in recovery.

I have been struggling with a coworker who has some real issues, complete with a lot of drama and chaos, often directed at me. Yesterday I'd about had enough so I went to a noon meeting at the nearby homeless shelter. I walked in the door and on the chalkboard there they had these two words, with some pages to read: Anger / Compassion.

It didn't hit me immediately, but later in the day I realized that while it is relatively easy for me to be compassionate to the still-suffering addicts I come in contact with, and to a lesser extend family members, in the workplace I have clear expectations about how people will behave and time and time again, people don't behave as "Two Dogs Sees It."

So last night I hit another meeting on my way home and heard what I needed to, as I usually do. That is that removing my defects of character comes in God's time not mine. (You know "I want patience and I want it NOW!) All I can do is ask and be ready.

So what do I need to do when I'm trying to rid myself of these troubling defects? Exactly the opposite, and to me, today, compassion is the opposite of anger.

Last night I went to a business meeting and ran into an old family friend. Yesterday would have been my mother's 86th birthday. We talked a lot about my parents since he worked with them and knew them both very well. It reminded me that this person I am wrestling with, and yes, it is about egos on both our parts, did not have the benefit of the parents and upbringing and love that I had. She is not in a program that can give her the tools of life management that I've been so freely given.

I read one of Marianne Williamson's books, I think it was A Return to Love. In it she states that the person who is more spiritually advanced is the one who is responsible for the tone of the relationship. Hm, ponder that one awhile.

So it's back to square one and looking at me and my behaviors. In the end, that's really about all we can do, isn't it? Oh yes, and pray.

Liberation

2009-03-13T15:48:00.002-07:00

I was at first bummed that I had to go private on my blog since I have to remain so anonymous and after a few years of this, I am close to being linked with my real identity. So until I can clean up the blog, I have to be private.

However, it is also liberating because now I can say whatever the fuck I want and do not have to worry about what anyone thinks.

Also, some of my previous followers do not show emails on their blogs, so if you know someone who wants to view, they need to post a traceable e-mail (to their blog or website) and I will invite them, too. This is a bummer, but I've been living a double life so long I'm not sure I would know how to do this differently. Soon, I can go save the world and not worry about my past. (Isn't that a promise somewhere?)

Got milk?

2009-03-08T01:39:00.002-07:00

more funny pictures

FINE

2009-02-28T23:40:00.002-07:00

We all know what that stands for, right? I shall say no more. Tomorrow I am calling my sponsor. I am working too hard and not thinking very clearly.

My friend said today early in recovery he heard someone say, "We have no hope for a better past." I guess that means we should live in today.

In Narcotics Anonymous, the only promise is freedom from active addiction. I think sometimes we sold ourselves short by not cadging AA's promises, but I was apparently outvoted in that matter. Oh yeah, I wasn't here to vote.

As for the promises in my life, the one that I still haven't achieved is, "We shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

I went to three meetings today. What does that say?

Until I blog again, stay clean. It is the softer, easier way.

Ever felt like this?

2009-02-26T22:48:00.002-07:00

No, we were the drunk friends, I almost forgot.

No news

2009-02-26T22:38:00.002-07:00

None today; just an intense bunch of emotions.

Chow time!

2009-02-24T22:43:00.002-07:00

Sorry the picture is so poor. More good ones will arrive as Ms. Barbara is going over Friday to puppy sit!

Faith

2009-02-23T21:36:00.007-07:00

A friend of mine lost her job the other day. She has many years in recovery, and she is now, as she says, having to practice what she preaches. She said she told her sponslings over the years, "Don't write the end of the story before you know the end of the story." She is now having to follow that advice.

Too often when things get tough, I believe the worst. I catastrophize and imagine the worst. It is tempting, when I get into drama about the situation (which I think is a trifle inevitable in the big events like job loss) to only see a terrible outcome. It is hard to look beyond the crisis.

Acceptance is a process; it doesn't always come overnight. But if I don't write the end of the story, then I can surrender and let God write the ending. Inevitably, it is better than anything I could have imagined.

In these tough economic times, we are seeing many members deeply impacted financially. It is important that I remain calm and grateful and if tough times hit, I let God write the ending.

Until I blog again, take care.

Oz a proud papa

2009-02-18T22:13:00.003-07:00

Oz is the proud father of five beautiful puppies. The pups, four sables and one black and tan, are bred from a wonderful German import-lines female, Norice. Pics to follow! Stay tuned.

Food--the Final Frontier

2009-02-16T10:28:00.003-07:00

Well, almost.

My God sees around corners

2009-02-15T11:34:00.005-07:00

I was in a meeting a few nights ago when a newcomer, struggling with staying clean on life's terms, said, "I don't know what's coming, but my God sees around corners." Isn't that the truth? And isn't it amazing that we often hear what we need to hear out of the mouth of newcomers?

Many times I've been terrified in recovery, and I am not ashamed to admit it because I believe faith and fear can coexist for a brief period of time. Many times, I am afraid if I am struggling with the problem. If I can get some perspective, however, I can accept the situation as it stands and stop struggling, knowing that God is bigger and "sees around corners." Then, the fear is released.

I heard a speaker last night with an unusual pitch. She has 27 years clean and is working on her doctorate. She has overcome great odds, the child of an addict who basically raised herself, with all the subsequent damage. She spent a few minutes listing her assets, which I think is a tremendous thing. When I got here and did my first fourth step, I was hard-pressed to come up with any assets. Today, I know what my assets are because some of my defects of character have become assets most of the time, at least.

Where I was stubborn, I am now persistent or even tenacious.
Where I was angry, I now have healthy boundaries.
Where I was egotistical, I now believe I have a healthy self-esteem.
Where I was impatient, well, I can't lie, I still am quite often.
Where I was street-smart, I am now able to analyze.
Where I was full of contempt, I am now compassionate.
Where I was sarcastic, I am now funny.

I am writing this because it has been a hard week, for a few reasons. The other day while unpacking I ran across a diary from 1983, when I was in the very bottom of my addiction, spinning out of control. It was frightening and it did two things: It scared me, knowing I could go back to that if I forget where I came from, and it gave me great gratitude for having been able to stick with the program for almost a quarter of a century now.

If you spent Valentine's Day alone and no one said "I love you," I do. Where I was full of hatred, today, I am full of love. The Fellowship gave me that.

Now here's a no brainer

2009-02-08T09:12:00.001-07:00

Excuse the pun, but duh. Ritalin addictive; who woulda' thunk it?

Sponsorship

2009-02-08T08:36:00.005-07:00

I know, isn't this just too cute? Not much happening here. It is raining, which in Arizona is almost always good news. It is so dry that we welcome any rain. Where I live now most plants are desert dwelling and require very little water, but plants seem to thrive after a rain.

At work last week almost 20 percent of my coworkers were laid off. It was very tense and stressful to watch people, some who had worked there for almost 30 years, carry out their boxes. They received no severance, no notice, nothing but a cart to take their boxes to their car. It is frightening and although the division where I work is unscathed in this round, there is more to come.

I talked to one of the women who was cut after many years, and she brushed away my concern. "God is good," she said. "And bigger," I added. She believes God has something better in store for her and I know she is right. Everything that has happened to me in recovery that I classified as "bad" at the time has ultimately worked out for the better.

In my life, I have walked through many things clean, but never financial problems in the nation of this magnitude. It is hard not to be concerned when I watch the news and surf some of the financial sites I read as part of my work. It is scary, but I remind myself: "God is bigger."

Here is what I do when I feel bad, as I did Thursday night. I get off the couch or shut down the computer and go to a meeting. It has worked for me for 24 years and it keeps working.

I have been here a little over a year now and I am happy in the Southwest. Mild feelings of panic start sometimes over the economy and feeling tied down here because I do own a house that, in this market, would probably not sell quickly. But I know that God has a plan and for now, it is for me to be here, at home, in Arizona.

I only have to step onto my patio in this beautiful rain to know: God hasn't brought me this far to drop me on my head.

If you are struggling, struggle on. It is definitely worth the price.

Unpacking

2009-01-25T14:17:00.003-07:00

I wish I had a digital camera, because unpacking is like opening Christmas presents. Many of my boxes I haven't opened since before my liver transplant, which was over three years ago. So I had forgotten how many beautiful tsotchkes and things I own. Just a few of the things I have unpacked today include:

A beautiful blue jeweled vintage purse, which I will hang in my bedroom and I had completely forgotten that I had.
A beautiful blue and creme chenille drape that will grace my bedroom window.
Yards and yards of vintage material, too beautiful to describe and ripe for craft projects I hope to start once I settle in and slow down.
Three boxes of shoes that I completely forgot I still owned, and which Romy will, no doubt, immediately claim as her new chew toys when I forget to latch the now latching bedroom door.

I give you this list to remind myself of a few things. First, that I spent myself into deep financial doo $20 at a time, in many respects. Today I think twice about spending money on anything that isn't necessary.

I also remember how clearly I saw my possessions as I sat in my recliner, dying, waiting for an improbable transplant that I completely had turned over to my God. As I viewed my beautiful paintings and Hull pottery and Frankoma dishes, I realized that you truly can't take it with you. They were just things and in the end, unimportant. Cliches are cliches because they are true<.><.>

Today I try to focus on appreciating what I do have, including the miracle of my life and recovery and transplant. I am listening to Paul Simon and I am deeply grateful.

At home in my new home

2009-01-18T22:33:00.002-07:00

Two dogs and I have packed in and are officially moved. Both dogs got sick and promptly christened the new hardwoods with barf, but what can one say? A dog has to do what a dog has to do, right? My friends have helped tremendously in the move, including Ms. Barbara and a friend from work, who helped me move a lot of boxes so the movers didn't have to spend too long at the house. As I told one coworker, I feel like it's twelve pounds of crap in an eight-pound sack; however, little by little I am unpacking and getting settled.

Barbara helped with the computer today and I lost my backup Quicken file temporarily, with all of last year's tax records on them. Yikes! So I went to a meeting. That was where I needed to be and where I heard the message "surrender to win." That was what I needed to hear, today especially.

This week will be a busy week. Tomorrow I have to prepare for a class I start teaching on Wednesday and then much writing remains to be done. Tuesday is the inauguration. I am going to find a small TV somewhere to take to work to watch our new President sworn in. This is a momentous day in American history and I, for one, want to watch as much as I can. And pray a lot, because he is inheriting one heck of a mess.

Once I get settled I'll try to take some pics so you can see the new hole Oz dug in the yard today when the sprinklers came on. I thought he's lost his mind. My friend brought over sulpha for the dogs, so hopefully by tomorrow, they'll be back to normal, whatever that is for them.

Until I blog again, take care.

Chaos

2009-01-18T15:48:00.001-07:00

Moving bites. Waaa.

In the midst of packing ...

2009-01-11T10:03:00.002-07:00

I am surrounded by boxes and feeling a little overwhelmed, but a friend will arrive in an hour or so to help. I went to northern Arizona yesterday to check on my house. The weather has been cold there so I wanted to make sure the pipes didn't freeze. I also had an electrician in to put in two new wall heaters. If anyone tells you to buy a pellet stove, consider it very carefully. It may be cheap, but it's impossible to keep the heat on when you're not there for extended periods. You live and learn, usually the hard way, right? I do, anyhoo.

I met my electrician at a meeting I used to attend. Turned out he was an old junkie from Phoenix and we knew some people in common. Yesterday as we talked, we think we know more people, as well. He is an example of someone who is doing the deal--happily married, well-employed, raising three kids in a blended family with all its insanity. I am glad we are friends.

On the way home I went to a meeting and talked to my sponsor briefly and updated her on my life. I have a fourth step sitting somewhere (I can't find it at the moment) and we'll catch up next month when life is less hectic. It is amazing that today, despite what is going on in my life, I don't have to have any drama surrounding it. That is spiritual growth in its simplest form. Because believe me, there is a lot going on both personally and at work.

I am just checking in with my blogger buddies. Have a great day!

A new place to live

2009-01-03T14:13:00.007-07:00

The moving boxes are out again, and 2dogs sit in the living room asking each other, "How far is it this time?" Relax, I tell them, it is only one mile. I am moving a mile from where we are now. The pics show you why. It is a great neighborhood that dead ends into desert preserve where Oz can hike and Romy can explore. (Her hiking days seem behind her now.)

These are some of the benefits of recovery. Today, people want me as a neighbor and I have good credit. I have been back in Arizona for a year and am comfortable in this neighborhood, so I am moving close by.

I am a little sad and overwhelmed today. I am trying to work through some of my own issues and have started the new year out by examining my own issues with food and how I manage my money. My friend in Hawaii sent me a beautiful journal and I am recording what I spend and what I eat. I have more peace in my life when these other areas are in balance, as well.

Tonight I will go to my home group at 5:30 then tomorrow a woman asked me to share at a meeting in the East Valley. Around birthday time, I seem to get a lot of invites to speak and that is great. However, I'm learning that maybe the issues I am still working through are my issues and not for sharing at the group level. I always say that NA is where I can tell my truth. So today I am pondering, baffled, a little confused, I guess, but I am always grateful for another day clean.<.>

Today I spoke at length with a woman I still sponsor in Missouri and love very much. She is going through some painful stuff and putting one foot in front of the other. In fact, she ended up, as she always does, by encouraging me.<.>

Well, I have boxes to pack, so 2dogs and I wish you a fine day and a happy New Year. I just wanted to share my good news. Please do me a favor and say a prayer that I sell my car, because I'm not getting many calls on it and that would help tremendously. Prayer is powerful!

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T00:06:00.001-07:00

Thanks for helping me stay clean another year.

Here's to 2009, whatever it may hold.

Nothing to say but this seems to say it all

2008-12-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

"America is now wholly given over to a damned mob of scribbling women, and I should have no chance of success while the public taste is occupied with their trash – and should be ashamed of myself if I did succeed.”

-Nathaniel Hawthorne

I found this on The Junky's Wife blog and it cracked me up. Count me among the damned mob of scribbling women.

Happy Holidays to You and Yours

2008-12-25T10:24:00.005-07:00

When I was a child, my parents always put blue Christmas lights on the house. We were the only house that seemed to do that. I thought it was weird, but then I grew up in a weird household, I thought.

Last night I was at a late marathon meeting and this gal with two months was chosen by her home group to share the meeting. When I heard her childhood story, I simply could not believe it. It was like something out of the book The Glass Castle. I was sitting with my former roommate, a grape who moved out because the economy forced him to move back in, at 52, with his parents. We looked at each other in amazement. I'll tell you this--it made me so, so grateful for my upbringing.

I am so grateful that when I got here I had values handed down from my parents and all I had to do was to brush up on them with help from people in NA and a lot of in-depth conversations with my Higher Power. The meeting that shared the marathon meeting prides itself on being rowdy and disrespectful, with a lot of cross talk and slaughtering of the readings. I know this--it wouldn't play in most home groups. After hearing this women share, I had a better idea of why they behave that way and was able to be slightly less judging about the Romper Room atmosphere of the meeting.

Anyhoo, I am grateful for another Christmas clean. I am heading out to dinner with my brother and his wife and her brother, all that is left of our family clan in Arizona. This will be our first Christmas without any parents as my sister-in-law lost her Mom this summer. As my mother said, getting old is not for the faint of heart. I miss my parents all year, but at the holidays, especially so. I am so grateful for all they did for me and that they never lost faith that someday I would get my act together. I believe they prayed me into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.

Then I am heading up north to make sure my pipes don't freeze. I have the heat off and the house winterized, but one never knows so I'm going to spend a few days in the snow. The dogs can hardly wait.

Have a wonderful holiday and drive safely. The amateurs are loose.

Another day clean

2008-12-20T16:11:00.003-07:00

I am heading out to my home group to celebrate my 24 years. It's a special occasion, as are all anniversaries. I grateful I got clean, grateful I stayed clean, but most of all today I am grateful that I still look forward to going to meetings.

I hit the 10 p.m. meeting last night, which was loaded with newcomers. If I could have given them one piece of advice, and I could give them several, it would be, "Meeting makers make it."

Early on, I stayed clean because a few people took an interest in crazy me and made sure I kept coming back. They listened to me when the service gurus (and these guys were doing service, too, only in a quiet way) were too busy or important to listen to my blathering.

Perhaps someday I can repay NA for what it has given me. To date, I haven't even made a dent in it.

I hope you have a great weekend and a wonderful holiday if I don't blog until then.

An unexpected visitor

2008-12-17T14:39:00.003-07:00

Cindy, sister of puppy Cibola. Wait until she grows into those feet!

Romy inspects the newly planted trees, which the elks tore down within a few weeks.

Oz contemplates the puppy.

This beautiful puppy Cibola came up with her sister Cindy to visit me. This litter comes from fine Czech working lines and she is priced at $1500. This is one of 9 females from the same litter.

View from my porch

2008-12-16T22:44:00.003-07:00

This week I am taking my cake for 24 years. I am very grateful to have stayed clean. I'll be posting more soon.

We're all Bozos on this bus . . .

2008-12-06T13:49:00.005-07:00

I was in a great meeting this morning. A guy from the Greater Chicagoland area who moved here recently, when advising the newcomers to "keep it simple," said "Einstein can't; Bozo can." He's right, you know. This is a very simple program for very complicated, and often too intelligent for our own good, people.

When I was first getting clean, there was a guy in the meetings I looked up to very much. His name was Bob C. He had come from my background and seeing him in meetings made me believe just a little that if he could do it, so could I. Bob always had great things to say, and something he used to remind us of when the personalities got the best of us, especially at service meetings, was "We're all Bozos on this bus."

Just remembering that simple statement reminds me that I can get pretty bent out of shape about things that, in the grand scheme of things, mean nothing. So for today, I'm reminded that "We're all Bozos on this bus."

Welcome aboard.

You will laugh, you will laugh

2008-11-26T21:17:00.003-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving. Now go visit I Can Has Cheezburger.

Self-loathing

2008-11-23T22:03:00.006-07:00

I was in a meeting today and the topic of self-loathing came up, but not in such fancy terms. The guy who shared was digesting huge chunks of information about himself, much of it negative. As I listened to him, I wondered if he had a sponsor who was giving him direction, or he was trying to wrestle through these truths alone. As we work the steps, we often uncover these "chunks of truth" as I refer to them, which are downright negative.

I also had coffee after the meeting last night with a friend who is in his 17th year and to say his life was unmanageable would be an understatement. Another friend and I spent time listening to the insanity that he was parading through his life (thank God he's telling someone!) and we both asked him about sponsorship.

He moved here from the East Coast a few years ago and hasn't gotten a new sponsor. Now there's a surprise, we told him. Your life is unmanageable, you are consistently making bad decisions, and you wonder why you feel like this?

I just finished a wonderful book titled, The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning. This book talks about the spiritual path we walk with the Twelve Steps. Mainly, the book maintains, we grow spiritually through listening to and sharing our experiences with other human who accept us, imperfections and all.

We find that we finally fit somewhere, those of us who stay in the rooms, at least. I am grateful that I have always loved meetings and gotten what I needed from them. I am so grateful to the people who loved me when I first vibrated into the rooms and encouraged me to stick around for the miracle.

I am glad that, despite my many failings, I rarely feel "loathsome tonight."

Until I blog again, I hope you have a wonderful week.

Happy Veteran's Day!

2008-11-11T10:32:00.004-07:00

On this day, I want to thank all the Veterans who have served this wonderful country. This includes a special thanks to my three brothers, Vietnam era vets, and my father, who served in the South Pacific.

Thank you for your selfless service to this great nation. Today, even the squirrels seem to understand how important your service is and was to this nation. May God bless you and keep you safe from harm.

2008-11-07T22:28:00.005-07:00

To anonymous, who is struggling in her alcoholism where there are no AA meetings and wrote to me a few days ago asking for some help. There are tons of resources for "loners" as they call them in AA. There are also on-line chat groups. So read this post, click on some links since you obviously have web access, and let's trust our blog readers to post some comments where you may also get help.

First, there are many on-line AA meetings. I can't personally vouch for them since I am in NA, but here are some links I found through a quick Google search.

http://www.aaonline.net/

http://www.aa-intergroup.org/

This is a great place to start! Here is the AA Big Book (AA's textbook, as it were), on line. http://www.aa.org/bbonline/

Any other resources out there?

Post-election party

2008-11-04T22:56:00.004-07:00

I am so grateful. It's been a long time coming, but perhaps now, America can get back on the right track. Did you hear Obama's acceptance speech? It was beautiful.

Romy's big adventure

2008-10-28T19:58:00.003-07:00

While I was in Mexico over taking a three-day weekend with some coworkers, my roommate baby sat the dogs. When we were driving back on Monday afternoon, I called him to get a dog status. "I have bad news," he said. "Romy got out."

"What do you mean 'got out'?" I asked him. Apparently he left the door ajar and she escaped. He said he spent the whole weekend looking for her posting signs, and went to the pound, but she was gone.

I hung up on him at that point before I lost it and my coworkers told me to take some deep breaths because, of course, I was imagining the worst. This is a dog who has never been around cars and I live in a very busy area of town.

A few minutes later, my phone rang (in Rocky Point I had no cell service). It was a woman who ran a German shepherd/Malinois rescue. Her neighbor had found Romy the night she escaped (Friday) and had taken Romy to her. They had been trying to call me without success. Romy was safe.

Needless to say, I was so grateful. As soon as I got to Phoenix I went to her house and picked up Ms. Romy, who was ecstatic to see me. They had 20 rescue dogs and Romy spent the weekend mostly on the bed and couch, they said. She got along fine with all the dogs.

So the long and short of it is my roommate never apologized, only complained about how it ruined his weekend to have to look for her. I have been over this door thing with him many times, so I'm going to ask him to move. It isn't worth it to me to lose a dog over his ignorance and self centeredness. It's only Grace that she wasn't killed, because she was found on a four-lane street at night.

I had a ton of fun in Mexico, but boy, can my coworkers drink like fish. I don't think I'll be going back down anytime soon. The two of us who didn't drink spent most of our time mediating stupid behavior.

So until I blog again, take care.

Emotional train wreck

2008-10-19T10:40:00.003-07:00

Today in recovery, being even a little off balance feels like a train wreck. It's nothing I can put my finger on, but I am feeling a lot of dis-ease for the past few days. Part of it is my volunteer work with the gals at the halfway house who have been through such horrific events in their young lives. We are teaching a ten-week writing class and so much, of course, of what they write about is so very painful and stirs up so many feelings in me. One of the prominent feelings is gratitude--that despite how far down I went, my parents never gave up on me. So I do walk away with gratitude.

I'm finishing my second to the last class in my graduate program and probably walking away with a B, which is pretty much a first for me. That is pissing me off.

Oh yes, I did change sponsors. I spoke to my old sponsor yesterday and told her. I am so grateful for what she has given me over the years, but I'm feeling like I want a sponsor I can spend more time with as she is definitely not a "hang out" person. She made that clear in the beginning, and I never needed that. Today, I feel like I do. I have a tendency not to seek direction, so it is better for me if I have a sponsor I see frequently.

Lately I've feeling very alienated from everyone. I'm sure part of it is the frequent moving, but here is the perfect example. I went to our Dinosaur Dinner last night, which is a monthly event of many of the 20-plus people in this area. Almost all the women who would attend, I learned, had gone up to Payson with a woman who was my second sponsor's sponsor to have a birthday party for her 32nd. I saw her Tuesday night, talked to her at length, and she didn't invite me. Waah. I'm feeling like I have two left feet.

The whole NA clique thing can be painful; I'm sure it's the same in other fellowships, as well. After hosting a friend's 25th birthday party here and not inviting a few people because he didn't like them, and hurting their feelings in the process, I've decided that I will no longer host things that aren't pretty much open invitations. Even in early recovery, I wasn't part of the NA "in crowd" in Phoenix. We formed our own "in crowd," and that's what kept me clean.

There are other things going on too complex for blogging, but in short, I'm having a bit of a time. I know the answers. I'm sure, this too, shall pass.

Until I blog again, I hope you are doing well. Incidentally, Romy ate another two shoes this week. She always picks shoes from different pairs. What can I say? Is there somewhere I can donate one shoe?

Trudge, baby, trudge!

2008-10-06T21:03:00.004-07:00

I went to a step meeting tonight focused on Step Six. The first time I went through the steps with my sponsor, my Fifth Step took about eight hours so my sponsor was probably too exhausted to tell me to go home immediately and take Step Six and Seven. Of course, with all our fancy step guides today, I don't know many people who sponsor that way anymore.

However, what happened is I got hung up on Steps Six and Seven for a long, long while. I made them much more complicated than they are. At the meeting there were a few opinions about how to take Step Six, and one gal said that she looked forward to a long, tortuous life with the help of Step Six. A guy sitting near me turned to his friend and said, "Trudge, baby, trudge!"

Isn't that how it goes? Many times we must just put one foot in front of the other, put down our heads and focus on each minute.

Another thing I heard at the meeting before the meeting (which is why I like to show up early) is a man state that the economy was causing him to live in fear. I can definitely relate. I feel very uncertain right now about the future, my future, our nation's future. I believe I can have some level of fear and faith at the same time.

There are only a few "must haves" in my life today: The Fellowship and an ability to buy my anti-rejection drugs. Other than that, I don't need much. I'd like, of course, to continue to pay my mortgage, but so what if I can't? I'd like to remain employed, but so what if I don't? I'd like to be able to eat regularly, but I could lose a few pounds and it wouldn't kill me.

Seriously, as I watch the economy continue to melt down, there is some level of fear. But I know that as long as I can get to meetings, despite what happens around me, I'll be okay.

I love the picture. If I believe in what I see happening around me, I get confused and fearful. As my sponsor used to say when I called her, "God is the answer; now what was the question?"

How Google has made me a better sponsor

2008-10-06T15:38:00.003-07:00

I am finishing my master's degree this year in sociology, which basically means I know a lot about a lot of nothing. With this degree, I can probably teach at the community college level about, not much. This degree, in some ways, gives me broader insight into humans and how they react, than some, but I sure am terrible at algebra.

However, the title of this post is not about me, it is about how Google has made me a better sponsor. Recently one of the gals I've worked with for a number of years called me about a very personal issue she was having. After a quick Google search, I was able to verify what I suspected: That her complaint was quite common in her circumstances and that perhaps she needed to discuss the matter more openly with her husband. Thanks, Google, for making me a better sponsor. That is the law of unintended consequences. I don't think Google set out to help 12-Steppers, but there you have it.

Not much else is going on here in Hot Arizona where it is still over 100 freaking degrees. Hope you are all well. 2 dogs are sleeping after their hard weekend in northern Arizona. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Another peaceful weekend

2008-09-22T22:28:00.003-07:00

in Northern Arizona. 2dogs enjoyed the cooler weather. I planted two more trees in the back yard, a flowering plum and another sycamore. The grasshoppers had made twigs out of a few plants, so I used a repellent and by Monday morning they were almost gone. Hopefully I can salvage what they ate.

Until I blog again, always wear protective clothing when trying to kill grasshoppers with chemicals. I must now sign off to scratch.

Scrabble and procrastination

2008-09-14T18:28:00.003-07:00

Last night I was up north and my friends stayed the night, on their way to California on vacation. My friend is from the Czech Republic and is very emotional, to put it mildly. It all started with a simple game of Scrabble. Because I haven’t played in years and his girlfriend was very experienced, she and I decided we would just start playing and I would refresh myself on the rules as we went along, and we would teach him as we went. Boy, was that the wrong decision.

The lack of a dictionary was another major impediment. The first word he tried to spell was "eco.” We both said that was a prefix and he couldn’t use it. He argued quite loudly that it was most certainly not a prefix, after asking, “What is a prefix?” The second round went no smoother, and he took his tiles and dumped them, and quit. We made fun of him, and continued to play while teasing him.

While she and I played on, he continued to watch and read the rules and correct us loudly at about every other move. She beat me soundly, by twice as many points. I am a type A and if I can make a two-letter word and move the game forward, that is my strategy, which, of course, is a strategy only for a sound arse-kicking.

We bedded out finally about midnight and went to sleep, their two German shepherds asleep with them in the great room, mine locked in my bedroom with me, since Oz was being a bit snotty to their male, Bernarde. "This is my house and my toys and Romy is my pack member and you are an uninvited guest," he seemed to say as he guarded his bones and balls.

This morning the dogs barked when they got up. I think Romy forgot we had overnight guests. They went for a walk and I slept in. When I finally got up a few hours later, they were at the kitchen table playing, you guessed it, Scrabble! There was less argument because she was allowing him to do some phonetic spelling: “genre” was spelled “janre.” Really, that’s how it is pronounced!

As we ate oatmeal with brown sugar (his with three egg whites and one cooked yolk on top), I helped him lose his first game. As they were getting ready to leave, he noticed a wall plate I have, where the entire world, instead of continents, is renamed things like “the Ocean of Love,” “Sea of Deceit,” “River of Revenge,” and “Peninsula of Procrastination.”

“That is where I live,” he said, pointing to Procrastination.

“I would, but I never get around to it,” I responded. We all laughed.

They packed up the car and the dogs and drove off to California, first routing their trip for me on their atlas. A few minutes later, my phone rang.

“We left the peaches,” he said. “They don’t look good, but they are delicious.”

“I’ll eat them,” I told him. And I repeated two more things I had told them as they left.

“Be careful,” and “I love you,” because I never want to let friends leave anymore without that reminder. The world is an unpredictable place, and I want them to know how I feel, just in case. In that matter, I no longer procrastinate.

Vacation time!

2008-09-08T10:40:00.008-07:00

I just took a week off work and spent the time in Northern Arizona at my house. I had such a nice time. I had all sorts of things planned that I wanted to do--drive to Lake Powell, or maybe Colorado. I ended up doing almost nothing except yard work and napping, and that was fine with me.

The weather was pretty good, little rain, so most of the days I spent moving the hose around watering trees I've recently planted and trying to protect them from the hungry elk that love to eat aspens. "Aspens are like elk ice cream," one of my coworkers said. My friends, who come up almost every Sunday to nap on my porch, call me by my new Indian name: "Moves the Waters" because I'm constantly getting up to move the hose from one tree or plant to another.

I put up several hummingbird feeders and each day more hummingbirds seem to discover it. This weekend I lost count of how many were fighting over the feeders, but at least three dozen, I'd estimate. I finally broke down yesterday and hung up a third one. Each day as I napped I could hear, as I dozed off, the sound of hummingbirds chirping, wings flapping, and the wind chimes that don't even phase the birds. Here is an awesome sight for many wonderful hummingbird pics.

Each afternoon I napped, so I guess I needed the sleep. I went to a meeting almost every day and wandered around town hitting the thrift stores and chatting with people. It was a great vacation.

One day last week, a woman stopped by my house to introduce herself. She had moved in to the empty house near me. She looked like one hundred miles of bad road. Her car was a rolling wreck, windows knocked out, no door interiors, wires sticking out, threatening my curious dogs' eyeballs. In the first four minutes of conversation, I learned she had just gotten out of a Kansas jail for failure to pay child support, and had just had her license suspended for driving under the influence of marijuana and methamphetamines. I excused myself for a minute and went and got her an NA meeting list. "You don't have to live like this," was about all I said.

Sunday I noticed her walking down the road and offered her a ride. She was going to the local cafe for breakfast. Last night I took her to her first meeting and, with tears in her eyes, she got her newcomer chip. It was pretty neat. She also peeled off the bucks for a Basic Text, so who knows? It's always an uphill battle for the newcomer, but if she's as sick and tired as she looks, maybe she is ready. One of my friends in the Fellowship tells me he's just the postman--he delivers the message. Whether the other person receives it or not is up to him or her. And God, I usually add. Isn't it true that it's merely God's grace that we get the program or we never arrive? Who can explain why I get it and my wonderful relative struggling for years with his alcoholism does not?

So until I blog again, dear readers, put out a hummingbird feeder. The small investment will pay back untold dividends.

Some days you're the dog

2008-08-13T23:19:00.002-07:00

2008-08-03T10:25:00.003-07:00

Things are a bit rocky around here, but only in my head. As my sponsor tells me, make a gratitude list, so here goes.

My wonderful two dogs, who love me unconditionally (even though I broke the remote control last night throwing it at Oz after he bit my finger accidentally).
My friends, who are few and far between these days.
My job.
My business.
My sponslings, who keep me somewhat out of myself.

However, it is rough right now. I am financially paying the price for my Missouri move. It will take me, if I stay on budget, at last 18 months just to dig myself out of the financial mess I find myself in, again. I am truly sick and tired of the way I handle or don't handle money. I believe I have hit my bottom. So last night, once again, I went back to my budget and I am determined to live within my means, or below my means where possible. It is the hardest thing I have struggled with in my recovery and I'm tired of struggling.

My sponsor is going through a very rough time and as a result, isn't going to any meetings, or very few. Her husband is actively using and she is uptight, abrasive and defensive. Her sponsor spoke last night at a meeting and was phenomenal, but she won't avail herself of her sponsor's assistance.

I'm considering my options re sponsorship. It is ironic because I went through a period before my transplant where I only went to meetings at one location and my favorite sponsling (yes, we do have favorites!) fired me because she "needed to see me at meetings." I totally understand now what she was saying. Although it hurt like heck at the time, she later became my sponsling again when I started showing up at meetings after the transplant.

The other thing is that I've totally stopped doing service other than sponsoring. There is a tremendous attitude in meetings, spoken and otherwise, that if you aren't in general service, you aren't giving back to NA. As a result, I'm feeling a bit alienated. So last night I volunteered for the New Year's Eve planning committee. This is a small commitment and with my busy schedule working full time and trying to run my business, is about all I can do.

Tomorrow morning I have to go to a funeral of a dear family friend who died suddenly at 57. Now that may not seem young to you, but to me, it does. I learned most of the cuss words in my extensive repertoire watching Sam and my brother try to fix my brother's 1963 Chevy in my parent's driveway. Sam helped me move my mother to Missouri a few years ago when she was too ill to remain alone, a trip I can make in two days and took us four. It was a caravan of four women, three dogs and him.

He normally called me once a week. "What are you doing?" I'd ask.

"A whole lot of nothing," he'd respond.

He was a highly decorated Vietnam Vet. He was a door gunner on a Huey, shot down four times, had several purple hearts, a Medal of Honor and other military awards. The last time he was shot down, he was the sole survivor. Yet he never talked to me about his war experiences.

He came back from Vietnam strung out on heroin and he came to me to score. I guess my brother had told him what a mess I was. We ran around for awhile, then he somehow cleaned up. He wasn't one of us. He got married, had three kids, and went on to live a normal life. He was one of those people whom I took for granted in my life. He had a quiet, keen sense of humor and was one of the most intelligent people I have ever known. He played crosswords continuously and could help me solve about anything I couldn't figure out in the ones I did. I will miss him.

Funerals are a bummer, and I know his tomorrow will be difficult. Both his parents are alive still, and it is always a tragedy when parents bury their children. But I also find that once I attend and if I can cry, then I'm better equipped to put closure to the passing. I will miss Sam. He was like a brother to me.

On to my brothers. One is back in the homeless shelter, another, here for Sam's funeral, got drunk and passed out on my lawn last night. I drove in from a meeting and the meeting after the meeting at a Chinese restaurant to find him sprawled in the grass next to my truck. I am so tired of this damn disease.

This is why I am writing. I am hurting. I am hurting from the tragedies I watch in my family. I am hurting because I can't help them. I am hurting because I lost my friend Sam, who knew my history and could always cheer me up. I am hurting because I have made more missteps in my recovery. I am hurting because this is life on life's terms.

So until I blog again, thank you for being there for me.

According to plan ...

2008-07-04T09:55:00.004-07:00

It's funny how rigid we can become if we aren't careful. I know when I was struggling to get high every day, I woke up and knew what had to get done from the moment my feet hit the floor. Today, I have a general plan for how I want my day to go, but I don't let things throw me if all does not go according to plan.

I was going to borrow a friend's trailer to move some things to my house up north since I've decided not to rent it again. But this morning when I called her to arrange to make the drive, which is over an hour away, to pick it up, she mentioned that she needed to get things done by a certain time this evening. That sort of set me off, because it would have put too much pressure on me. So I begged off and just made some other arrangement. In my first decade or so in recovery, that would have ruined my day! Today I can work around things. You've heard that old expression: "When a normal person gets a flat tire, they call Triple A. When an addict gets one, they call Suicide Prevention!" Today, that's not my case.

Today is the 4th of July, of course, and usually I write a blog about how grateful I am to be clean and have freedom from active addiction. I'm just feeling very low-key today, which is okay by me. I'm spending weekends in northern Arizona and the addicts in meetings up there are surrounding me with love and care. Last weekend an NA crew drove out to my house to look at some plumbing and well issues. If my heart is open, I've found many people's hearts open to me.

Romy and Oz are going crazy running around the house because I've loaded up the truck and they know--it's road trip time! They love their trips and weekends in the cooler climates. Ms. Romy, who is 12 now, walks a few blocks around the house, but doesn't wander far. Oz just spends the day digging holes or bringing me his ball to throw. They are both so easy to please. The older I get, the more I want to be like my dogs.

I hope that your holiday is safe and that you have the gas to make it to meetings (that's becoming an issue, isn't it?) and many hot dogs to stuff your beautiful faces with. Until I blog again, stay clean, it's the softer, easier way. I know.

Exciting times in my life

2008-06-08T11:19:00.005-07:00

I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been so darn busy. Here are all the exciting things going on in a list. I love lists.

My job that I took this year is really a blessing. I have been able, for the most part, to practice principles before personalities in the workplace and as a result have made a bunch of new friends and am well respected. I know because for the first time in years, my bosses tell me things like, "You are awesome!" and "You are doing a great job" and "You have accomplished a lot." I am very happy with that aspect of my life. Plus, I have fantastic benefits like a week of paid vacation and then some already.
My business is going well. I've gotten new writing assignments at the point that I'm doing just over two columns per week.
My brother, who is my strategic business partner, is moving to Arizona to live in my old house. I am tired of renting it and all the attendant hassles that comes with owning a rental and we can work closer together and build the business. So that means I'll have two relatives close to me, which is awesome.
I am flying back east tomorrow to give a keynote address to other professionals in my industry and I'm very excited about that. There will be copious amounts of seafood involved and I get to spend a few days with one of the gals I sponsored in the Midwest who is going through a rough patch.
On the health side, the news could not be better. I transferred to a new doctor here at the liver transplant center where they originally refused to give me a transplant, which forced me to go back to the Midwest. They are taking me off all my anti-rejection drugs except one because I am doing so well. He indicated I may be able to stop taking them altogether because "eventually the body stops fighting the new organ." He also opined several times in the last visit that he thinks my B virus will not return. And if it did? He has a plan with several other drugs available and more in the pipeline.
The dogs are great and loving Arizona and being able to get back to where they were puppies on the weekend in Northern Arizona. Oz is sick today, though. I'm not sure what's up with him. He ate part of a ball last night and I'm afraid he may have a bit of a blockage. His ears are flat and he won't eat. So if you read this, say a little prayer for Ozzie. Romy continues to destroy about anything she can get her teeth on. Three separate shoes the other day, my briefcase a few days after that, a purse, the list goes on. She isn't liking me gone all day too much.

Yesterday I hit a morning meeting and sat next to my sponsor's husband, who has been in and out for about a year now relapsing. He took his 30 days yesterday and we joked a lot during the meeting. Several times he remarked, "I'm BACK!" I believe he is. We know when we're done, don't we?

Until I blog again, and I may from the seashore and let my pal blog a bit as well, thanks for checking in on me though I haven't been such a faithful blogger. You are important to my recovery.

ARCNA is going strong this weekend

2008-05-24T00:10:00.002-07:00

I just came home from the first night of ARCNA. It is always such a good convention. The last time I went three years ago, I was dying and could barely make it from the car to go sit in a chair in the lobby. I remember the fear in my friend's faces as they looked at me and faced the realization that this might be the last time they saw me. I am so grateful today for my recovery and the second chance at life I've been given.

I saw a bunch of old friends tonight. One of my oldest friends left at the same time I did to head home and got pulled over by the police and given the roadside ballet because the officer thought his cigar smelled like marijuana. I think perhaps she needs a bit more training, what do you say?

I hope you are all well. I stay so busy I rarely blog anymore, but know that I check in on you all from time to time.

Barbara was here for a few days and left me a lovely gift--one of the beautiful beaded necklaces she makes. She is a great woman!

How are you treating the world?

2008-05-10T23:28:00.002-07:00

This morning I went to a meeting and someone asked me how the world was treating me. Here's my view on it. It's not so much how the world is treating me, it's how I'm treating the world.

Those are my only words of wisdom today. Keep coming back.

Another great meeting

2008-04-27T17:22:00.002-07:00

I was in a meeting the other day and I heard a women, who was taking her tag for three years, say, "Today I'm living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way."

That struck a chord in me. I can remember all the times that I drove home after an entire night out partying or whatever I was doing, watching the "squares" drive to work and thinking, "Jeez, what a bunch of losers!"

Of course, today I realize that I was afraid to fail so I never tried; I just preferred to hide behind my addiction and think, "The world just doesn't know how much potential I have!"

I am grateful today for the rooms where I can return to sanity on an almost daily basis. Last night at my home group the topic was "One day at a time." I know when I got here I could no more envision staying clean for my entire life than I could envision anything positive in my future. I truly thought I was destined to die a junkie. I couldn't grasp the concept of staying clean just for the present.

I am grateful that people loved me when I couldn't figure out how to stay clean one hour at a time, let alone one day at a time. Today, I believe in Grace.

My home group starts up again

2008-04-12T15:01:00.006-07:00

Substitute: "Addict"

I am so excited and grateful. My home group, one of the oldest NA meetings in the area, which ended after many years after the club where it was housed burned down, is starting up again tonight after a several-year hiatus. The club has relocated to an area full of homeless people and while it won't be exactly the same, it will be wonderful for those of us who got clean there to reunite.

I am so grateful for what NA has given me. Tonight, I'm going to give something back.

The gift of desperation

2008-03-29T23:55:00.002-07:00

This has been a rough week for me; working full time then coming home to work on my business, as well. There is always a price to pay for bad decisions and one of the areas of my life where I am paying a price is in the financial arena. I am once again taking a Third Step in my life. I am still making meetings, despite how much work is piling up around me, because I know how easy it is to get overwhelmed if I miss too many meetings, no matter what the excuse.

This morning I hit my normal Saturday morning meeting. I heard a lot of good things, but the one thing that stuck with me, because I've been feeling blue, is what one member said. He said he was grateful that he was given "the gift of desperation" which brought him into the rooms.

I know that when I got here I was desperate and I was not sure NA would work for me. I felt like I was just too addicted. But the longer I went to meetings, the more I heard people just like me share their stories and I began to get some hope. I didn't stay clean immediately, but eventually, I did stay clean.

Today I was lacking gratitude until I realized how grateful I was that I, too, was given the gift of desperation.

NA has worked for me.

Did you see the full moon?

2008-03-21T23:34:00.003-07:00

I have been crazier than an outhouse rat today and couldn't figure out exactly why. I wanted to stay home tonight and watch the 20/20 special on prostitution, but felt like I needed a meeting more than I needed any further enlightenment on that particular issue. As I drove into the parking lot of the meeting, I looked up over Camelback Mountain and saw a gigantic moon hanging in the sky. Is that why I'm so crazy?

I had a hard day at work today. I let someone else's temper get the best of me and dampen my day. Note I don't say "ruin" because I didn't go that far. But I had a little set to at work that wasn't about me, it was about him, yet I tiptoed around for awhile with hurt feelings.

I called my sponsor and we talked about the situation, how I handled it (I did pretty well because I didn't tell him to take a Midol and call me in the morning) and if I need to do anything about it on Monday. "For what?" my sponsor asked. "You didn't do anything; he treats other people this way, too."

What I try to do when I get angry and upset is to look at the fear behind emotion. I realized after I'd talked to her for a few minutes that the fear is, "I won't be able to work" because I'm incapable of getting along with people. That's pretty irrational, because in the few months I've been at my new job, I've been able to work through other issues.

For me, most of my character defects arise out of some type of fear. "I'll be broke," or "I'll get fired," or "I'm afraid she doesn't like me." As soon as I realize that it is fear and not a fact, I am free.

Until tomorrow, have a great full moon evening.

Don't abandon your post!

2008-03-15T11:55:00.005-07:00

As a lot of feelings sweep through my family this week, and I remember that we all deal with grief in our own peculiar way, which may not be the way another family does. I am glad I have safe harbor in the Fellowship.

"Lose the drama," my sponsor routinely tells me when the pitch of my voice starts rising dangerously. It always offends me, but it's true: No one can help me when I'm too emotional.

I went to my normal morning meeting and was late because I had to wait for the handyman to arrive to fix many broken items. The landlady is nice but doesn't take much pride in ownership so the house is a train wreck. She hired painters to come in, probably a low bid, and they painted absolutely everything without removing light fixtures, switches, cutting in trim; the place looks terrible and light fixtures are shorting out.

I have been resentful each month as I send off my rent thinking, "She obviously doesn't know who I am." Then I started thinking. When I was out there, I painted over everything in my life. As long as I looked good, I was okay, despite what people said about my lifestyle. I arrived in the rooms driving a pretty nice car, had my nails done frequently, but was an absolute shell of a human being. The exterior looked okay, but if you looked at my unpaid bills, my pending criminal charge, my employment history, they told the true tale. I painted over all the disaster in my life as part of my denial system.

I heard someone say in the meeting this morning, "I never abandoned my post." That is why he is still clean. It's just that simple. I have, for 23 years, had a new post. It's the Fellowship.

Until I blog again, may you find peace and comfort in your daily lives.

When times are tough...

2008-03-09T16:17:00.004-07:00

Last night, my cousin was beaten to death in front of his house. We don't have any more details; the family is waiting for word from the police. It's a tragic waste of a life. This week, one of my coworkers was confronted by a gunshot wielding teen who tried to rob her. She told him to leave and he took off. She's lucky. We could have been attending her funeral. Perhaps it just illustrates which you'd rather deal with: A shotgun or a menopausal woman.

Today has been a very stressful day, from dealing with family members who each handle grief in their own fashion, to dealing with a real estate transaction that goes from bad to worse. But I know what to do. I'll go to a meeting tonight or get on the phone with someone and vent. I'll spend some time in prayer, because for some reason, I feel very far away from God and a bit stuck in fear.

Today I fully understand how precious life is. Hope your day goes better than mine.

No news

2008-03-07T23:12:00.003-07:00

Tomorrow I'm driving up to my house near Prescott. The weather will be beautiful. Monday I'm driving down to Tucson for the day. We had a lot of rain this winter (for Arizona, of course), and the wildflowers are in bloom. I'm looking forward to the drive.

Need a laugh?

2008-03-03T22:48:00.000-07:00

Then check out this site.

Determination

2008-02-29T22:55:00.005-07:00

The other day I grabbed a sandwich at a Jack-in-the-Box where I, many years ago, used to frequently wait for my connection. I was there one day with another dope fiend and we sat in my car for about half an hour waiting for "the man" to show up. A constant parade of cars arrived, all waiting for the same person. It was just one of hundreds of South Phoenix rituals--waiting for the dope man.

The person with me saw someone drive in that he knew so he got out of my car, a grey 1972 LeMans that was a neat car and which the cops later confiscated, and walked over to his friend and leaned in the window to talk with him. A few minutes later, he walked back to the car and got in, laughing hard. "You have got to see this," he said.

"What?" I wanted to know. I wasn't in the mood to socialize; I was probably dope sick.

"Go look at his car," he insisted, laughing so hard he was practically out of control.

I got out of the car and followed him back over to his friend's car. It was a man he had been in the penitentiary with, I can't recall his name now, and this guy's friend. He introduced me to him and I couldn't help but notice the car they were sitting in.

The interior was completely burned out, including the seats, the headliner, the dashboard, even the steering wheel had melted. To steer, he had wrapped baling wire around the stump of the steering column and they were both sitting on milk crates.

It turns out that the Mexican mafia had firebombed this guy's car for some reason, a snitch jacket or a bad debt, who knows the truth. But this guy and his pal were determined to score, so determined that they drove that shell of a car rigged together with milk crates and baling wire so they could get their drugs. Now that, dear friends, is determination.

So as I was sitting there at that Jack-in-the-Box remembering, I realized that to stay clean, you have to have that same amount of determination. Don't have a car? Take the bus; you would have to score, so do so to hit a meeting. Someone firebombs your car? Just use duct tape or baling wire or whatever, but don't sit home and feel sorry for yourself. Some jerk insults you and gives you a gigantic resentment? Don't smack him, just keep coming back and show him what you're made of.

It isn't easy to stay clean. Last night the people in the meeting I was at focused on "acting out" in other ways, or taking the First Step in other areas of our lives besides not using drugs. But the truth is, as complicated as we make it, our behavior if it stays out of control will lead us right back to drugs. If we continue to act out on other behaviors that make our lives unmanageable, sooner or later, most of us get loaded. I know, I've watched it happen to many of my fellow addicts who seemed so busy cleaning up the wreckage of the present that they forgot the determination it takes to stay clean for the long haul.

So until we meet again, remember. It's free but it isn't always easy.

Slightly pissed off

2008-02-23T22:25:00.004-07:00

This reminds me of me when I got into the rooms. I was pretty much mad at the whole world. "If the cops would leave me alone," I'd think, "I'd be just fine. After all, I'm not hurting anyone but myself."

What I completely failed to take into consideration is that everything I did that was negative, and almost everything I did was negative, had ripple effects on everyone around me. I hurt my parents, my brothers, and I even drove away my friends who I used with. The whole world revolved around me and my addiction.

When I came into NA, for the first time in years, people looked me in the eyes and talked to me like I mattered. I remember so distinctly being arrested and treated like some scumbag by the cops because I was an addict and feeling like, "Hey, you don't even know me." I judged myself by my intentions while the world judged me by my actions. And my actions were pretty atrocious.

I just celebrated my 23rd birthday in the rooms a few months ago, and the life I led is much like a bad dream as I recall it today. But I know, as I watch newcomers trickle in, that I am only one mistake away from the life I led for so long.

I'm grateful today that I was given the gift of recovery. I watch some people spin in and out of the rooms, many for years, for decades, even, and I know, I am eligible, too, to relapse. So my best prevention is to keep hitting meetings and be of ultimate service when asked.

It's not all serious, though. The best thing I did for my recovery today was have a few laughs with another addict. God speaks to me through laughter today. I know when I got here, there certainly wasn't anything funny about my life. Today, humor keeps me going no matter how tough things may seem.

So until we meet again, have a few laughs on me.

Happy birthday

2008-02-21T21:38:00.002-07:00

Today is my natal birthday and I've had another great day. On Sunday, my brother threw me a birthday party with a bunch of my family's close friends and we had a great time. Only one brother couldn't come; the youngest brother came down from Seattle and stayed with me for a few days. Several of my friends called, e-mailed, and sent cards.

Today at work I was taken to lunch. It's nice, today, to feel special. I don't feel any older, but I know each day that ticks by I'm getting a little more "long in the tooth." Hopefully I'm getting a little smarter, too.

I am grateful to be alive and above ground, so until I blog again, have a great day.

Another great meeting

2008-02-17T02:12:00.002-07:00

I went to a meeting today and my first sponsor was there. She said something I've never heard. She said, "You have to strive to thrive." I think that's so true of recovery. There are a ton of people who are willing to work with us if we want to stay clean, but we have to work for it.

Today I am grateful I still have the willingness to work to stay clean.

Catnap

2008-02-11T23:42:00.000-07:00

This is my friend's grandson and his guardian cat. The cat guards him constantly.

Organizing

2008-01-20T23:45:00.001-07:00

Thank heavens for friends. Just when I was becoming almost totally overwhelmed by the boxes and mess around my house from this move from hell, two of my girlfriends came over to help. Yesterday my friend worked me like a loaned-out mule and we got every room organized. That's right, I am officially no longer tripping over boxes, I found the space to mop the floor, and we organized all the pictures to be hung today. Today, another friend came over and we hung pictures. Tonight, I am exhausted.

But I still made time for a meeting. Tonight's speaker was celebrating her 13th birthday and had a simple but moving story. Her bottom was my top, but that just goes to show that it isn't the amount of substances we used, but the feelings those substances caused in us that makes us candidates for recovery.

I'm heading off to bed. Tomorrow is Martin Luther King day, and for me, I say, "Thank God almighty. Because of NA, I am truly free at last."

Another Saturday night

2008-01-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

I went to a meeting this morning and I've been hitting a few meetings since I've been here. I enjoy them, but I have to say that I miss my small Missouri meetings. Most of the meetings here are huge. I hear from my old home group members (one of them is in the hospital after a bad car wreck) and my other Missouri friends, but tonight it hit me--I am in the big city and I'm feeling very alone.

I know it's all going to work out, but today has been kind of rough. Tomorrow, I'm sure, will be better. I forgot to say, I got my grades from last semester, A, A, A-plus. Yippee. It's amazing what you can do when you're clean.

What "wall"?

2008-01-06T11:17:00.000-07:00

It's so neat to be back home. I keep running into people at meetings who were around when I got clean or came long enough ago that I know them from my various times living here in the past. Last night after a good speaker meeting several of us went out to eat. Our group chose Italian and went to this great restaurant where the calzones are so big they look like some sea creature washed ashore.

I saw an old friend who came in the rooms about the same time as me and has had several periods of lengthy clean time. I asked her how she was doing and she responded, "Not well." She'd relapsed again. Over dinner, we discussed what happened this time. "You know," she said, "I got two-and-a-half years clean this time and I just 'hit that wall.'"

No, I guess I don't know. I've hit a lot of walls in recovery. However, at none of these walls did I choose to pick up a drink or a drug: I chose to go over the wall to meetings and, sometimes, make a complete ass of myself by blathering on about how screwed up my life was. I chose to call my sponsor and work a Step. I chose, instead of using, to stay in bed all day with the covers pulled over my head (that works for awhile). I chose to work with a newcomer when my ass was falling off. I chose talk to others to help me stop feeling terminally unique and to get in the middle of the pack. In short, I chose recovery.

In early clean time, I wasted a lot of time speculating. "What if my dad died, could I stay clean then?" He did and I did. "What if my engagement was broken off in a most humiliating way?" It was, and I did. "What if my Mom died? Surely that would be the ultimate excuse to use." She did and I stayed clean. "What if I lost my dog?" Dallas dog died. I wept, I wailed, but I did not use. "What if I got very ill and faced death?" I did, and I stayed clean. "What if I got fired?" I was, and I didn't have to use. In fact, I started my own business just the spite the dumb shits.

This doesn't make me better than anyone else; perhaps it only makes me more stubborn. However, I haven't had to pick up for many years and I can't even think what would cause me to use. Staying clean is a daily, sometimes more frequent, decision, plain and simple.

This particular gal's job for many years has been in the health care field, which puts her in touch with narcotics. On the one hand, she makes a lot of money. Her house is paid off, she proudly showed me her new car in the parking lot after the meeting, she runs her own business; from all outward signs, she is doing well. But I remember the type addict she was, a street hustler, and I remember her dragging back into meetings weighing 100 pounds and looking like death. Maybe she needs to remember that, too. Perhaps a career change is in order? Personally, I'd rather be alive and a whole lot broker and clean than driving a new convertible.

I'm preaching to the choir, I'm sure, but this is a simple, not easy, Program that tells us simply this: We don't use if our butt falls off. Mine has been severely dragging many times in my recovery, but by the Grace of a Higher Power and the tools of the Program, I haven't had to use in a long, long while.

Stick around for the miracle, won't you?

Another meeting

2008-01-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

Barbara and I went to a women's meeting tonight that started in my living room about 22 or 23 years ago. The meeting was originally entitled "Eve Goes Straight," but someone along the line someone got some spiritual principles and renamed it after I'd moved away. I always loved the original name, though. It's proof that sometimes poor motives yield good results (although rarely).

The meeting had moved to a women's halfway house and it was crammed with women, mainly newcomers. We enjoyed the meeting then went and had Japanese food. It's great to be back in a city big enough to have all sorts of ethnic foods at all hours of the night.

My first day at work went well. In tonight's tenth step, I won't have much to say "I'll do better tomorrow" about. That is always a blessing and growth for me, one day at a time.

Until later, take it easy but take it, because people are giving it away in meetings all over the world. And it's free.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

As I sit at my computer and change my manual calendar over to a new year, I am grateful. There are probably tens of emotions swirling right now due to all the recent change in my life, but gratitude tops the list. I glanced at my Yahoo home page this morning and saw prominent clicks for hangover cures. Today, and hopefully one day at a time, I have no need of a cure.

Barbara from northern Arizona is here visiting and we went to the NA New Year's Eve function. She is still sleeping now; she sleeps a lot these days. I remember how badly I felt in those months running up to my transplant, which happened quickly, and I can really feel her pain. Remember her in your prayers, because as the speaker last night said, there are no powers greater than the love our Fellowship has for each other and prayer.

Tomorrow I start a new job and for that, I'm grateful. It will be fun and challenging to have coworkers again. I said in a meeting a few weeks ago that it's easy to sit in meetings and talk spirituality when you don't have to deal with going to work each day. In my recovery, that has been the greatest challenge I've faced, practicing these principles in all my working affairs. Oh yes, relationships, too.

2dogs are enjoying the Arizona sun and their huge back yard. I was able to find a place via Craig's List 1500 miles away that is perfect for me. The house I was going to rent fell through and my attitude was, as it should always be, "God has something better for me." He did. This is a good neighborhood, I'm 13 miles from work and right near the two major freeways I use. It's all good.

I'm missing my Missouri friends, but we call each other frequently and I know I will return to visit. I couldn't have said that a few years ago, but the past 18 months I spent there I met so many wonderful people that I know I'll go back. And who doesn't want to visit Arizona?

Well, enough about my puny life. Remind me to tell you the two near tragedies I avoided on the trip here and yesterday. Two close encounters that reminded me: My angels work overtime!

Happy New Year. Take 2008 one day or one minute at a time, and you can stay clean!

The 1st Step

2007-12-26T21:01:00.000-07:00

You can do it! Try again!

Most addicts agree--the first step is the most important one we do, because without it, we are destined to reinvestigate our powerlessness. I'm back in Arizona and very grateful to be here, but missing my friends in Missouri.

I have grave misgivings about keeping my blog since some anonymous twit is using it to try to hurt people I care for. So I'm not sure how much longer I'll be blogging, but in the meantime, I am doing well and am glad to hear from those of you who have long supported my blog.

Until I blog again, take that first step seriously. It's a big one!

Happy birthday to me

2007-12-13T13:17:00.001-07:00

I once again have power and am trying to cram for a final that was postponed from Monday night. The ice is melting, I am trying to pack and also trying to celebrate my 23rd clean date. It's all good and I am so grateful for staying clean all these years when so many, who may work better programs than me, do not.

Until I blog again, take it one day at a time.

Waiting for the ice storm

2007-12-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

In a few hours, the year's first ice storm will be here in Missouri. It doesn't sound like it will be too bad, but a day or so in the house won't kill me. I've almost finished my finals, 3 research papers and am so glad to be through with the semester. Of course, moving means I'll probably have to transfer to another school, but right now I'm not worrying about that. It will all fall into place.

There's a process I go through when I'm moving from one place to another and perhaps the ice storm comes at a good time. Wherever I've lived in my life and especially in recovery, I've made many friends. But it's always hard to leave one place for another, even if, as in this case, I'm truly going home. As I listen to my friends and in this case my significant other (at least he's significant to me) talk about my leaving, I find I have to allow them to have their feelings and honor their sadness but suppress my own. There is simply no way right now I can process it.

It's not that I don't feel sad to be leaving, but I also feel like it's time, so that makes it easier. The hours I spent packing and sorting and donating give me ample time to process my feelings. This is what I have to do for my own serenity, this taking a job thing. And that means going to Arizona.

As we look back on how we've handled things, we can always, as my dad used to say, play "Monday morning quarterback." In retrospect, there were things I should have seen that I perhaps did glimpse but thought, "Oh, it will be different than that," or "We can work through that." Relationships are hard, there's no other way to say it. I wish I had done some things better, that's for sure.

I have a few hours before the ice storm starts, so I'd better head out to the store to buy food. Lately I haven't been cooking. Until I blog again, may your heart be light and your recovery easy.

Check out this site

2007-12-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

Improve your vocabulary and feed a hungry world. It's fun.

Arizona here I come

2007-12-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

With some mixed feelings, of course, I am heading back to Arizona. I was offered a job that will allow me to keep doing some of my other work and with great benefits. I'm just tired of the struggle of health insurance hassles and this just fell into my lap, practically. So, about the 20th I'm heading out.

I haven't had time to blog with finals and packing, but hopefully once I get there, I'll have more to talk about. I'm looking forward to see Ms. Barbara and all my old NA friends, who are excited about my return, or so they say.

Two dogs are getting anxious. They seem to know something's up. Maybe it's all the moving boxes? Until later, take care. It's all good.

Romy eats the hammock

2007-11-25T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but Romy seemed to delight in eating the corner of the hammock, so she had to lie on a quilt. Luckily, she survived. She is a canine disaster, but what can you do?

I had a great time in Phoenix, a job offer and a few decisions to make. More later.

Haven't blogged in awhile

2007-11-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

I guess life happens, because I've noticed I'm not the only blogger not blogging. I'm heading to Phoenix tomorrow for five days. God has put a career option in my path and I'm exploring it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do; I'll know if and when an offer is made. Do the next right thing; that's my motto.

One of my sponslings with just over 90 days clean had a terrible loss--her father was hit by a car, brain damaged and removed from life support. She not only stayed clean through this terrible event, she grew closer to her mother, experienced tremendous gratitude over the fact that she was clean before he died, and in short, has just blossomed. God is great, isn't he? The Fellowship of NA was there right beside her the entire time with cards, phone calls, at the funeral, walking her through it. It surely made my love of the Fellowship grow even more, if that's possible.

The woman I have blogged about several times with whom I had a great deal of conflict but who helped me tremendously when I was ill died of bone cancer Friday. She had a short but such brave path to death, it was truly inspiring. One of the women she sponsored was having a meltdown over her death with her and she stopped her in her tracks by saying, "I'm spiritually fit." That's the real acid test, isn't it?

We had several great talks together before she died, so I am at peace with it. Early in recovery my friend Jeff T. said his rule of thumb in relationships is that if it's standing between me and the other person, then I have to talk with them about it. I've learned that if I want to try to preserve a friendship, that's the only way to go, as uncomfortable as it may be. I'm just glad I was at peace with our friendship when she passed.

I'm heading out to one of my recovery sister's 50th birthday party. Then it's off to drop two dogs at the boarding place. I hate that. I bought Romy a bone shaped Coleman hammock. She thinks she's going camping. Woo HOO!

Until I blog again, take care and stay clean. It's easier that way.

In Chicago

2007-11-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

I'm here for a conference, but I've hit several NA meetings and it's been fun. This is such a great city to get around in, trains, buses, taxis.

The meetings here are pretty big, but also friendly. I've enjoyed myself, but I'm heading home tonight and I'll be glad to get there.

Dinner tonight?

2007-10-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine (I used to sponsor her) had a baby last week, as I mentioned on my blog. I was watching a show half heartedly yesterday as I worked, which was on post-partum depression. I didn't realize how severe this can be.

Many of us, from years of fiddling around with our brains, have damaged our mood patterns, at least that is my opinion. So it wouldn't surprise me that with all the hormones of pregnancy then childbirth and its stressors (she's breastfeeding so she's up every two hours), that my friend would be a bit freaked out. Another thing, her mother lives in another country and she isn't in touch with her, so she doesn't really have a nuclear family to help.

So my friend Lisa and I are taking over dinner for the family tonight. It's an easy dinner: chili, my world famous (the dogs think so, anyway) zucchini bread , and a salad. My friend Lisa is making cornbread so we'll have fun seeing the baby, eating, and having a few laughs.

I am also making time to call her every few days just to check on her: not so much to be a bother, but enough to let her know we care.

Until I blog again, I just wanted to share how good it feels today to think of someone beside me! I may not be much, but I'm all I usually think about!

My best thinking got me here

2007-10-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

A blog post today got me thinking, which is not always a good thing. This post had a quote from poet Charles Baudelaire, "a vice is natural, while virtue is artificial because it calls for us to restrain our natural instinct ..."

I was watching Dexter the other night, the sociopathic serial murderer (is that redundant?) who believes he was born evil. His father, when Dexter was young, told him to "Think of your immediate reaction, then say the opposite" when Dexter was trying to pass a psychological profile test. Doing this, he passed.

I've been clean awhile, but I find that sometimes my immediate thinking is just wrong. If I acted on it, I'd have been in big trouble long ago. You'd think after years in recovery, that "wrong" thinking would go away.

Case in point. I had about ten years clean and I was at an ATM behind a person who used the ATM then left his card. I walked up, took the card, then didn't know what to do. The person with me looked at me like I was crazy, took the card from my hand, and yelled after the man, "Hey, you forgot your card." My mind was wondering what to do, what was the right thing to do, I mean, take the card and use it or...?

I'll admit, today I would know what to do, but I still have to think sometimes. In many cases, my thinking is just flat wrong.

A woman flamed me professionally the other day on a list I belong to because I said something that was incorrect. My first instinct was to flame her back. Instead, I did two things. First, I wrote her a pretty decent letter telling her I felt impelled to write because she embarrassed me in front of my professional peers and it hurt my feelings. (I won't mail it.) Then, I found her phone number via her email address and called her and asked her to call me.

People often behave ignorantly, and most of the time it's best to let it slide. But in this case, I really felt like I had to tell her how I felt. It was about how I felt, not about her behavior, if you get the difference.

She emailed me immediately and apologized, saying she was having a bad day and just after she pressed the send button she regretted it. This kept me from stewing about the situation.

I am not yet well, but I'm a darn site better than I was. Progress is a beautiful thing. It's a great fall day and I'm heading out. Until then, be safe. And don't flame people.

NA members please complete membership survey

2007-10-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

For anyone who is interested and has not taken the time to do the survey, the link is below.

NA members last completed an anonymous survey in 2003 at the world convention in San Diego , CA . We would like to update the information to more accurately reflect our membership today. The information we gather from the survey helps professionals see NA in a more realistic manner and helps to dispel old myths about our membership. It is our desire to have professionals who refer addicts to NA along with family members and the general public to view Narcotics Anonymous as a viable, credible program of choice for recovery.

We hope to capture a better picture of our global membership by posting the survey online not just distributing it to those who attend a world convention. We want to encourage you and your friends to complete this anonymous survey. You can help us to more accurately reflect the demographics of the worldwide fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. This survey will be online until 31 October 2007 at http://naws.org/surveys/index.php?sid=1 . We thank you for your efforts in completing the survey as well as informing other members to complete it. And, remember, please complete only one survey.

Thank you for allowing us to serve.
NA World Services

Beautiful day on the Osage River

2007-10-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

We took off today in my boyfriend's bass boat and drove up the Osage River into the Missouri then into Loose Creek. In Loose Creek, hoards of flying carp crashed into the boat, scaring me out of my seat and into the floor of the boat. I didn't know fish could fly.

These pics show some of the leaves changing and the bottom picture is a beaver dam. We also saw two herons and a bald eagle.

Then I hit my home group so my day was complete.

Things change quickly

2007-10-11T14:20:00.001-07:00

When things change, they tend to change quickly, it always seems to me. From the time I was little, I hated change. I realized in my early high school years that my best friend at the time, with whom I could share every detail of my oh so dramatic (I thought) life, was not always going to be my best friend. And I didn't like it.

"But you'll have a new best friend," she pointed out to me when I raised this dilemma with her.

"But I want you!" I wailed mournfully, coming down from a day-long, ditch-school and trip- through-Phoenix acid extravaganza. Of course, I soon left home and have had several best friends since then. And I lived through the changes.

When life changes today, I am now realizing that God is offering me a handpicked opportunity for growth. I may not like it much, because I am a person most comfortable rooted in my past, even if that past is painful. So I try to focus on the future and its possibilities.

Until I blog again, I hope you have a great day.

The sponsorship tree, or high school revisited

2007-10-06T10:23:00.001-07:00

I am going to vent and share my experience, strength and hope (and my opinion) with something I see going on in my area as well as what I've seen in a few other areas. That is the NA cliches.
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In the year between eighth grade and high school I started using to fit in somewhere. When I came to NA, I quickly found a group of people who loved me and put up with my two years of the revolving door syndrome; but there were plenty of people who shunned me, I mean flat out even were rude to me, laughed at me with others, and in short thought I was a flake. Most of them aren't clean today. They were the movers and shakers in the area and at region. I clearly remember when I worked at the World Service Office and some of these regional representatives came over for Conference, they excluded me from their lunches and dinners, and boy, that felt like crap.

It's true, we don't have to like everyone we meet in the rooms or make the decision to hang out with them. But we should extend an atmosphere of love and tolerance and at least feign interest in newcomers when they are at meetings, in my opinion.

Last weekend our area, which is actually three cities about 60 miles apart and the area in between, held a picnic in the largest city, halfway between my city and the city 60 miles away. I grabbed a newcomer who was going through a rough time and was driving everyone crazy and drove up for the picnic.

I'd never been to this park, and when I got there, it was huge. We drove through the park for half an hour and never did find the meeting. No one had bothered to put up a sign, in my way of thinking because this particular portion of NA is so proud of its cliquishness it just overlooked that anyone who wasn't part of the 'in crowd' wouldn't recognize the vehicles. Not such a great message to show the newcomer.

But wait, there's more. There is much talk in this bigger town of "sponsorship trees." I hear often, usually from newcomers, "Oh, she's in my sponsorship tree," or "He's my grand sponsor."

Today one of the big NA cliches is having a BBQ for everyone in several "sponsorship trees," which means that much of the area, especially newcomers, are excluded. Now I don't know how to fix that or if we need to fix that, but I do think this: This was not the intent of sponsorship.

So I've had my vent for the day and look forward to your input. I preach the gospel of "Who put you in charge of that," so I don't talk about this except in my blog and with my sponsor, who would never condone this type of activity. I think it's high school thinking to exclude people from gatherings because they aren't "a branch in your tree." What do you think?

I've got to be ME!

2007-10-03T07:36:00.001-07:00

Meet Schatz; she's Oz' half sister on their sire's side, Bastin. Isn't she a ham? To visit her mom, a fellow recovery blogger, click here!

I met Schatz' mom when she googled Schatz' sire's name, and she found me. She's in recovery, too. Shatz is with her in Illinois.

Ms. Romy gets ready for fall

2007-10-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

Depression in recovery

2007-09-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

NA is going through a big redefining, it seems, of the use of medications, including methadone, in recovery. There was a great meeting at World Convention on this topic, which has generated another outpouring of discussion. I think eventually we'll reach some sort of consensus; however, I try to stay out of the fray. I have strong opinions, but they are just that, my opinions which have arisen out of 1) my personal biases and 2) the flaming failures I've seen over the years of those who choose to take medications in recovery without proper oversight.

Last night a young gal approached me at a meeting because she's having trouble with her medications for anxiety and sleeplessness. I am not a psychiatrist; I'm not qualified to counsel her regarding what to do about anxiety and which drugs are okay to use within our confines. I simply referred her to a woman who is a local resource who will help her find a psychiatrist that is familiar with the addiction model.

Early in my recovery, I watched a gal who had psychosis stop taking all her medications, allegedly at her sponsor's request. She soon starting coming to meetings wearing a gun belt and carrying a racket ball racket in her purse, with the back window missing from her car. Then she called a friend of mine in a panic and said the Secret Service were watching her. He went over to visit her to try to calm her down only to be confronted in her front yard by--the Secret Service. Apparently she had written the President at the time a few bizarre letters.

This was a powerful lesson to me. As much as I know which drugs I can take with impunity (and there aren't many) and which ones I can't, it's not my job to give advice to a newcomer about medication. I can only hope she gets a good psychiatrist who can guide her in her choice of medications.

There are people who I watch struggle, I mean struggle, with depression in recovery. I really feel for them, because in some cases, you can work The Steps until you drop, but the depression is obviously a chemical imbalance from years of torquing our own chemistry or a hereditary problem. I dislike the black and white thinking I sometimes hear that "I just work The Steps and if you did, you wouldn't be depressed." I usually approach these people after the meeting and ask where they were credentialed.

Our literature is clear. There are times in recovery, and this includes for some of us our entire lives, that we must take medication. That decision is one best made with a doctor and a very savvy sponsor.

Another good meeting

2007-09-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'm in St. Louis because I have to attend a business meeting tomorrow. I brought Oz with me and hit a meeting near my hotel. It was a Traditions meeting, Tradition Nine was the topic. I enjoyed it. I always enjoy attending meetings out of town because I can usually put principles before personalities. I'm entering a meeting and don't know anyone, so I have no preconceived notions.

One man was celebrating his 18th birthday and started the meeting for apologizing for his outburst the previous week. Where else can you go where you've behaved like a jerk and walk in the next time and no one says "Hey, are you going to behave tonight?"

It's a great thing that there are no rules in our Fellowship and no requirement for membership other than a desire to stop using substances. I was always a rebel and if anyone told me that I had to sit a certain place or behave a certain way, I probably wouldn't have gone back.

I'm grateful today I stuck around long enough to experience the miracle.

Help me, I'm melting!

2007-09-23T06:53:00.000-07:00

I melt down often. Well, not often, but at least about once a quarter. I never know exactly what triggers it. It might be something small that breaks the camel's proverbial back. I can give you some meltdown examples from the past few years.

I couldn't get an issue resolved with the cable company. Although I had transferred my service to someone else's name, I kept getting the bill and so did they. It was affecting my phone service since it was a global billing (note to self--never buy into global billing again!). I spent hours on the phone and more hours trying to get it resolved until I was literally screaming at the customer service person. The result? They transferred me to someone who could help, in the process, they cut me off. Think that was a coincidence? Once I calmed down, I called the public utilities commission who told me what number to call for the head honchos and it appears there is a solution in sight.

I had been looking for a job with no results for about six months. I had a job interview that sounded like it might be a fit. When I got there, four different men spent about an hour talking to me for what turned out to be a clerical position. One was very condescending. I left there feeling so humiliated I could barely stand it. I talked to someone about it and I felt better.

I completed a project for a client that I thought was what she wanted. I spent about two full days working on it. It wasn't what she wanted at all. It was my fault, after all, because I hadn't outlined the project before beginning. I assumed she still wanted what she thought she wanted originally although several weeks had passed. I waited a day or so before contacting her and worked through my feelings, mostly disappointment. But boy, in the meantime, I was a mess. I simply kept on keeping on and worked through it. I didn't listen to any voice telling me I would never be successful as a writer.

I get overwhelmed from time to time; I think we all do. Sometimes when it seems like it's all crap I have to think about how I'm framing things. For example, a gal who is in charge of our newsletter e-mailed me in a panic asking me to do an article on Tradition Three. She said that the person who was going to do the article didn't. It took me about two hours and I e-mailed it to her.

The next night I saw her at a meeting and she was complaining how sick she was of service. She said "No one" ever helps her. I pointed out to her that I had helped her. I wasn't no one. Using terms like that, my friends, is catastrophizing.

I do it too. When I get mad, I frequently say "You ALWAYS do that!" or "You never do this," using those black or white terms. That's usually far from the truth. If we really examine those statements, most of the time things like that irritate us happen, but we tend to get overly emotional and use terms like "never," "always," "continuously," "every time," etc.

When I call my sponsor in a snit, she always tells me firmly, "Lose the drama." She's right, of course, although it often hurts my feelings. When I'm in the middle of a drama that revolves around me, I can't think correctly; I'm swinging from the emotional vine yelling "Tarzan." (Actually, that's me, Jane, on the far right, looking bewildered.)

Melting down is part of the life of an emotionally labile person like me. It took me many years of recovery before I saw that trait because no one ever pointed it out. Or if they did, I wasn't ready to hear it. I just swung hysterically through jobs, leaving because my boss "didn't appreciate me" or pay me well enough, rather than practice patience and try to avoid seeing everything as an attack upon me as a female. (Although in some cases it was, but that's another story.)

I have grown in the past decades of recovery, but it has been a slow, painful process. I'm glad I now have a sponsor who isn't afraid of hurting my feelings to get my attention. My meltdowns are now fewer, less dramatic and shorter. That, dear readers, is growth.